In which I publish LOLS

Just sent of the following for peer review:

Dirt Bed [Durt Bed]

noun:

1. Dirty sheets typical of dudes, hallmarked by debris such as small rocks, kitty litter, mud, and actual dirt found in between the bottom and top sheets of his bed or resting place (can include couches and/or futons), often dragged in from walking barefoot on dirty floors. "I totally fingerblasted that girl in my dirt bed"

See also:

Bed Dirt [Bed Durt]

Noun

1.Detritus found in the dirty sheets of dudes. "I was totally fingerblasting that girl and added a bunch of vagibears to my bed dirt"


tags: dirty sheets, fingerblasting, finger banging, second base, vagibears.

OH YEAH

F.A.R.T.

some bum asked megan for change and we totally wanted to fart on him so she was like..."i can change the way the air around your face smells."

saturday morning...

Me: it was nice of you to buy me breakfast


Dr Metal: it was nice of you to give me a blowjob.

saturday night all right!

http://episcodisco.com/

I'm bartending at the Epico Disco this Saturday, Bertie's hecka fun church party. F, you know, YI.

Bah humbug at the Elbo Room

Shameless plug for the Burlesqueteers show on Tues, 12/8. I'll be doing pick up, and possibly dancing a number or two. Stop by for a drink and/or the girls.

What up Ams?

Email I don't remember sending

On 11/1/07, jessica . wrote:

dude...how totally fun was last night? ugh i got all this fake blood everywhere and didn't even make out with anyone weraing fake blood. waht gives? that shit's not going to come out and i had to scrub my face lots to get it off. how's it hanging today? did you put pictures up? 2007 is def continuing to rule.

home run!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_metaphors_for_sex

Please read this when you get a chance becuase from now on I will be qualifying everything I do with baseball metaphors for sex.

Email from this morning...

"...after I left the house I realized I left my skull walking stick over there..."

Last night was awesome. Pictures to follow.

Stormy weather...

Debating if I can justify buying this for myself in case of a rainstorm. It's really dreamy over a dress but has removeable garters which makes the dress optinal...

WDG

Much belated picture from Katie's wedding last August. Ashley made my bridesmaid (slutsmaid?) dress and I am trying not to sink into the grass in my 4inch heels. Best man is apporox 1.5 feet taller than me, even with the heels.

www.trimoodphotography.com

Last weekend...

I bartended at the Episco Dicso., Bertie P's awesome church dance party. Here are some pictures...

http://bertiep.blogspot.com/2009/09/epscdsc-septisc.html

lust=must

This is the first blog post re: my hedonistic Portland vacation. I may have underestimated that place.

Anyway...I finally broke down and bought myself this bracelet by Arielle de Pinto at one of my favorite shops Stand Up Comedy. It is fucking amazing and I can't wait to link it to some other chain to make a necklace AND wear it as a ring.

Eating veggie frittata for breakfast. This would be so much better with bacon.

Date Rape fail:

This guy emailed me...

http://d-cupcake.blogspot.com/2008/06/second-date-second-base-stealing-third.html

I agree, Dita.

I can't use iphone...I HATE my ipod touch, and you can't use either if you have long nails! I choose nails over iphone! But love apple, FYI!

--Tweet from Dita Von Teese.

LA poopoo

Hanging out with Wifey, drinking a beer for breakfast...

Despite a ridiculous delay at SFO yesterday, my LA vacation is already fantastic. Ritz took me straight from the airport to Tito's tacos, then back to her place to hang out with Felix the cat. Dinner, then home to sleep til, well, now (2pm). Now bloggin in my underwear drinking an Asahi, text-making plans for a suburban pool party at Sarai's parent's house. Once i finish my beer we're going to pinkberry for lunch, then shopping at Kiki de Montparnasse and Coco de Mer because, well, I can.

Anyway, I have the internets at my fingertips so I'll update everyone on all the stupid shit we do this weekend.

Book Club anyone?

Ooohhh...I just put Lauren Conrad (LC)'s new chick lit drama filled "novel" on hold at the library. Of course there are like 9 other people in front of me who also want to read it but I can totally wait.

4th of July weekend

Megan and I are planning an epic July 4th road trip weekend. So far our plans include Marine World, Skee ball at Scandia(!), Grandpa Foft's 90th birthday, thirfting in Reno, and uh, lots of drinking (I'm hoping my mom with be our designated driver). And I just realized I bet there'll be fireworks at some point which makes my heart swell with American Pride. fuck yeah!

next week

just got invited to go go dance at a burlesque pajama party next week. i kind of can't wait.

bay to breakers is hella gay

This weekend it's Bay to Breakers! Again.

Every year swarms of A holes run past my apartment, drunk, at 7 am and wake me from my inevitably hungover dreams.

This might be a good weekend to stay inside or leave town. I'll be doing the former, you are welcome to join me for a drink.

Sounds good...

Last night after about eleventeen drinks thanks to Erik, Stacypants and I were rocking out at the Elbo room to some sweet jams. It was Artist appreciation night, and I got in because Stacy was on the list and well, drinking for free=drinking too much. Every time. The event was super rad...dj's from each of the regular club nights at the Elbo played short sets, there was tons of food catered from a taco truck parked outside, and Erik was manning the bar serving all kinds of delicious cocktails. All the different club nights were represented...the goths from Shutter, the stoners from reggee night, the, uh, funky guys from the funk night. Totally rad to watch them all party together.

Stacy and I warmed up by dancing to some soul music, then took a break during the Brazilian jams even though the music sounded really good (or i was sounding really drunk). But then...the funk guy took over and it was hella awesome. I was like DYING over the songs they were playing and commenting to Stacy how I might even consider going to their night. At one point I leaned over to her and was like...I wish the DJ would play that Paul Simon song, and started singing it. And then. He did! And of course we freaked out and after his set was like omg you are the best dj you just played this song from in my mind...and he was like...I'm not a dj I'm the sound guy!

Awesome.

Who wants to go to Mexico?

When I get to work tomorrow I'm going to find the cheapest flight and hotel and if i can make it happen for less than $200 for a weekend I am going in June and you should come too.

I think at this point hotels should be paying us to stay there?

texts from last night...(well or whenever)

Katie sent me this:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

So I decided to post a bunch of texts from my sent box in no particular order.

he just left now im drinking gatoraid. before he left he was like..."it was funny how you threw up last night"

no, but andrea wants to write about it for the Blaze

You should have spelled that wii

At shittiest bar i have ever been to. You would appreciate it.

Get Here Soon!

Be Here Now!

Bowling is not bed!

then i could call it Dressed to get Tittyfucked.

At this crappy bar and theres this ex pro skater who im pretty sure i had a threesome with but really dont remember. another drink and im gunna ask him.

Wearing new hold up stockings and i love then. they are seamed at the back and come all the way up to my area.

Totally have busted capillaries around my eyes from barfing last night. Like a model!

even though i barfed up those nachoslast night i totes want nachos for dinner

This flyer is for free beer til someone has to pee.

Dude i feel like a hammer is hitting my head with another hammer.

Pretenging to be you on the phone with the airlines. hilarious.

I do not remember this AT ALL.

Email from tiny wifey:

Also, thought i'd tell you cause I was dying.... you know what you asked Eug's friends from France when you walked out of the bar?

Eug: Jess, this is Vassilli, Vass, this is Jess
Jess: Hi, nice to meet you (shake hands)
Vass: Hi, nice to meet you
Jess: How do you say Vagina in French?

New post on the Ladydate blog...

http://ladydatesf.blogspot.com/

Bookmark us? It'll get better I swear.

Feeeeeeeelix!

www.lolfelix.com is totally available.

Want to start with this one?

a confession

I have four REALLY overdue library books (like, I checked them out at least a year ago). This makes me feel horrible for so many reason...I am depriving my fellow patrons of books! I am horribly procrastinating a ten minute walk! I didn't even particularly LIKE any of those books! I think I read a couple and kinda half started the other two, then somehow they ended up under my bed possibly in a fit of decluttering? I found 'em under there a few months ago and ever since have been trying to to get up the nerve to beg for the forgiveness of some nice librarian in the hopes he or she would drastically reduce my $108 in fines. Now it's been so long I'm just embarrassed and feel like a jackass.

However, SF Public library is offering amnesty for the next couple of weeks, so I can return the books, no questions asked, and start checking them out again. Time to get back to work on my never ending "to read" book list. To assuage my guilt I'm going to bring a cash donation with me and hope that'll redeem my shitty behavior.

Hey thanks library. I heart you now more than ever!

http://sfpl.org/fineamnesty/

are you calling me fat?

My afternoon snack today (after many mind numbing hours of protocol revisions) was double stuff'd Oreos and a glass of milk. Because I'm like seven.



Anyway, these un-hydrogenated filling-ed Oreos were kinda gross. The filling was the consistency of toothpaste and the cookie was mushy. Those things used to be hella crunchy and the filling was delightfully solid (arguably gross, but the gross I grew up with).

Do you think I can still get TransFat filled oreos anywhere? Like in Mexico? Can someone check that out for me? KTHX.

OMG finally

http://www.the-state.com/

Gentleladies recap a night out:

JF: How are you holding up?

MF: A bit rough. Need to sleep more. Got to bed at 5am. Unfortunately, I got bored in your absence and made out with A’s roommate. Woops.

JF: Wait…the stoner?!

MF: Um…they were all stoners? The one that was dancing with us, with the dark hair. Wish I didn’t. Now I have his number and he expects me to call him.

JF: Headband guy?!

MF: Sadly, yes. If it makes you feel any better, he stopped wearing that after the iron man challenge was over. I’m going to assume it was for sporting purposes.

JF: No I made him take it off then I hid it behind the couch!

MF: Great. He’s a total retard. Is it wrong to never call him?

JF: You can call him ironically?

MF: Was so drunk, and making out w him ironically, that when he gave me the number, I actually asked when he wanted me to call and why.

JF :Also I am going to blog about that but won’t use your name and will change some details to protect your anonymity. Not changing the headband part, though.

MF: Rad. Thanks for making this more embarrassing ;) I fuck up one time…

JF: I fuck up all the time which is why I have a blog.


JF: He’s probably thanking his lucky stars or at least his ironic hipster accessories. I mean, now he’s going to think that headband is a pussy magnet..


MF: Well, he didn’t get any pussy. Just kissing on the front porch


MF: O.k. If you’re blogging now be sure to mention that the dude is way younger, weighs less than me, and didn’t seem to mind that i was laughing and shaking my head while he was trying to rub his face on my face

MF: Also, I then spat a lot on the way home and picked up a black bandana I found on the street. Drunk!

I should figure out how to live-blog this.

Megan just invited me to this...

"Going away party for a coworker/friend who's going into the peace corp in Africa. In celebration/farewell to American excess, it's an Iron Man challenge wherein teams of 4 compete to see who can drink 30 beers, smoke 2 grams of weed, eat 1 large pizza, and assemble a 200 piece puzzle the fastest. Cash prize for the winner. I'm not participating, because I party better when I don't barf. I might help in an official capacity. It should be some kind of spectacle, anyway. Party doors open at 9pm, contest to commence at 10. Location is Steiner between Oak and Fell, so staggering distance. Let me know."

It's not even Friday...

...and I have a case of the Mondays :(

Luckily, this lil guy on my desktop is cheering me right up!

breakfast of champs

Cold (Homemade) Pizza for breakfast today. Also, I took a vitamin.

Worst week ever.

No really, I think I am going to list the reasons because seriously, last week was the worse ever. In no particular order:

1. I found out last week that my job is being “restructured.” Great.

I think I’ll be able to take something part time that I’d actually like to do vs. another full time position that would be loathful. However, this leaves me soon to be underemployed and seeking work as a shop girl/bartender/coat check/door girl/private dancer/babysitter/cook/etc in case you can think of any once a week or so gigs. No seriously I mean it this time! I am good at these things, I am reliable, and do you guys really want me to have to be a hooker?? LET ME BARTEND YOUR PARTY.

2. My wife (tiny) moved to LA.

Sure it’s sunny and she can wear gross flip flops all day but now who am I going to giggle with? The plus side is that Felix the cat will be shacking up with me which ought to help with…

3….breaking up with M.

I’ll get into it another time in case you haven’t already heard. Boys whatever. Kitteh’s to the rescue!

4. Only not the ones who trap themselves in my wall for three days...

...necessitating multiple visits from the SPCA, countless hours of worry, a couple sleepless nights (kept thinking I heard a crying kitten…heartbreaking!) and finally setting a big metal kitten trap in my bathroom. Finally caught the little jerk after a three day standoff.

5. I found grey hair for the first time and not just a little of it.

Crappity. I thought having brown hair was going to work out for a while but no way jose, I’m going back to blonde. Already have an appointment for later this week in fact.

Um, sorry for the super downer, but really this is all too much. Last night over mojitos Megan and I made a hilarious list of blog topics so with my free time I might try to be more amusing.

Fuck you hippies

I typed in the first letter of the last post's title and this title auto-filled.

Fasionable Nails

Creative Nail Design (CND) is now going to sell some limited ed. bottles of the colors they custom mixed for Fall 09 runway shows. Fucking brilliant. They used to publish the "recipes" and you'd have to buy the separate colors and make 'em yourself, but this is rad. The pre-mixed polishes will sell for $18, so not cheap, but I already ordered the colors to make the color from last season's Philip Lim show (bright orang-ey pink) so I'll let you know how it goes...

http://www.goindulge.com/home.php?cat=290

The website doesn't have all the colors up yet, so I'll update when they do. Designers whose colors are offered include: Karen Walker (a dirty grey-ish blue), Ruffian (dark purple, shown on the runway as a reverse manicure), Diesel (opaque dark brown), Catherine Malandrino(some kind of nude), and DKNY (deep berry-ish purple). The others remain a mistery at least til I have the time to do more internets searcin' for 'em.

nobody likes eye wrinkles.

I randomly bought some high-end looking sunglasses at one of the rich-lady thrift stores in Russian Hill over the weekend. The glasses were priced at $24, which is too much to pay for glasses at the thrift store (and I am hella cheap when it comes to thrifting) but something about them just seemed...nice. The color and weight of the frames, the shape...plus the lenses manage to filter the sun in a way the prevents squinting but doesn't darken your field of view.

Turns out the pair I am wearing today are these, selling for $85 on ebay:




I also got this pair, also selling for $85:





The store had three other pairs I didn't get because really, $24 is too much to pay for thrift store sunglasses. But now that I think I should go back an buy them all so I'll be set for life with sunglasses. One pair was pretty cool like weird goggles but super retro moddish, but the shop wanted $50 for them! ugh. But I have a feeling I'd better do my research on those because maybe they are some cray cray brand and could turn out to be one of those amazing thrift store finds of a lifetime.

This weekend text

J: Ugh, just started raining, now going to ruin my shoes.

M: You know what won't ruin your shoes? My bed.

nice.

on poo and kittens

JF: I am going to start signing my name like this…fÔft

KK: um, okay. You've got a lot of time on your hands.

JF: yup.

KK: I'm spending my time making a powerpoint presentation about my self. read about what I have to do:
…a 5-10 min presentation on your educational background and how that fits into the typical US PhD

JF: can you do it funny? like at all...?

KK: I don't know!! Its going to be a bunch of euros and I'm not sure they will get my humor? Like if I'm all "I got into graduate school cause I wore a really low cut shirt to the interview??"

JF: maybe sneak in funny science jokes? or cartoons? or pictures of kittens doing science experiments?

KK: please find me pictures of kittens doing science experiments.

JF: surprisingly this is a challenge...i've searched:

kitten in lab coats

kitten doctor

kitten scientist

kitten laboratory

kitten medical

and so far this is the best picture I can find. It's unrelated, though. still lols.

KK: ah shit. I just almost peed my pants.

JF: yeah it's so cute because the lil guy just looks so...sad...about it :(

JF: ok now I just found a website of mutant kittens and had to look. so sad now! going to read I can haz cheeseburgers now kthxbai!

KK: Yeah, I was afraid I was going to find photos of kittens that had experiments done ON them. Peta shit and what not.

KK: BTW, why doesn't my dog have a lab coat? I've got to get on that...

JF: omg dr jack! or Murse jack?

KK: my dogs a gay, so he would obviously be a murse.

JF: you can get him a lil fanny pack with supplies in there? and scrubs with other dogs on them?

KK: And he can wear the lil foot booties so he stops tracking mud into the house. and he'll wear a stethoscope.

KK: Jack got poop on my coat last night. I sat down on the couch and he hopped on my lap, and then when he moved there was poo on my coat. I had to bathe him and then I shaved his butt hair with E's clippers. Don't tell him.

JF: oh your secret is safe with me. just one more thing for you and i to crack up about when E does something and he has no idea what's happening. we leave him befuddled.

KK: please submit to Foggy monocle. I need reinforcement that we are funny

JF: we maybe need to make it sluttier than that? or more about drugs? like how last night M and I drank manhattans with liquid codeine floats and I woke up next to him naked but we didn't have the sex. (true story)

EDIT FROM KG:

It might be funny if the convo ended with:

JF: well, you shaved your dog's butt with your husband's clippers. My night was about codine floats on my manhattans and waking up naked but unsexed next to M.

KK: How are even still BFF?

JF: Cause you still love the condeine float?

KK: Its the truth.

Or, on another note, we could mention that those are the clippers that E uses to clip his balls (for reals).

defined

today on sfist:

A hipster is somebody you don't like who goes to the same places you do.

nice.

In no particular order...

Last night I:

Went to a bar wearing yoga pants and 3.5 inch eelskin heels
Met Marlena (of Marlena’s)
Drank a scotch flight
Drank a mini chartreuse flight
Ate crab
Talked to my brother on the phone for a half hour
Painted my nails light grey
Made ‘stay in, eat pizza, watch a movie’ date for tonight
Knocked over and broke a bell jar and cut my ankle
Floated liquid codeine into a manhattan

things stay the same but get better...

I just sent this text to RCaley:

Listening to TILT at work, wearing chucks. Been going on dates with a boy who has a Jonathan Fireeater tattoo. I am living 15 year old me's idea of adulthood.

Once again, raise your hands if you HAVEN'T seen my tits.

Hopefully someday I'll get to text a special someone "You can cross 'bang a lingerie model' off your list."

Unfortunately, it won't be this month because I just turned down what sounded like an awesome invitation to be a live model at Lille boutique's "Treat Yourself Right" event on the 13th. I have other obligations that weekend and it's kind of short notice but I think the Dr might be offering up her sweet titties for a good cause.

Even though I won't be there, maybe still check out the blog because it's really one of my favorite shops (lingerie or otherwise). The selection is impeccable and the shopgirls (Sarah and Sara) are super friendly, helpful, and knowledgeable.

http://www.lifeinlingerie.com/

Zoya nail polish exchange

Zoya is having a great promotion where you can send in your old nail polishes (any color, brand, doesn't matter if they are used or even empty!) and exchange them for new polish of your choice. This is really great because this brand is free of Toluene and Formaldehyde. Basically you can exchange your old crappy, chemical laden ones for newer, more environmentally friendly colors.

You do have to pay shipping to send the old ones to them, and it's $3 per bottle for the shipping and handling, but Zoya is usually $8 a bottle, so that's a great deal.

I don't have too many superfluous bottle of poilsh around because I tend to give them away to friends if the color doesn't suit me, but I am sending a few in. If you girls have any polishes lying around that you don't want, get them to me in the next few weeks and I'll mail them in with mine and give you the new ones in return. I'll work on posting some of my favorite colors/recommendations soon...

The link:

http://www.zoya.com/exchange/

I date so you can laugh about it later, part 2

Per my earlier post, my friend Erin met some dude at a bar last weekend and wants to set me up with him. After checking out his myspace profile, I have to be like WTF. She met this dude at a bar and though immediately of me and that we would hit it off?!?

Obvs I can’t link to his myspace page to illustrate this point (because that would just be cruel), but Katie helpfully summarized why no one who knows me would ever try to set me up with this dude. Enjoy!

1. Who the fuck actually uses a myspace layout editor? 12 year old girls, that's who.

2. He is going to City College. Is that the same thing as New College? It better not be.

3. His music list is long and in alphabetical order. This means that he copied every artist that appears on I-pod. So this isn’t a random sampling of his music, this is it. And that’s not a good thing.

4. He smokes.

5. All of his photos are with the same girl. Not single much?

6. He's 28. That's kinda young.

7. He wears dickies and a beanie. What are we in 1996??

8. From reading his friends comments, it appears his nickname is “PeeWee”. Is that in reference to him being tiny? His arrests for pulling the pud in a movie theater? Does he have a word of the day? A talking chair? I can’t think of a good reason why somebody would have that nickname.

9. He’s a member of myspace group called “O.I.C”. When you click to look at what it is, Myspace tells you “This group may contain materials of a mature subject matter. It is inappropriate for members under the age of 18. Do you want to proceed?”. I of course, clicked no because I don’t even want to know.

10. He’s a warehouse manager. Does that mean he’s as cool as the warehouse manager on “The Office”? If so, marry him now.
11. He likes the show “Lost”. Does he also like to light a Yankee candle, eat a carton of chunky monkey in the bath and gently cry himself to sleep?

12. He mentions in his myspace that he likes the pot. Who mentions that in a myspace profile??

13. His first interest is “Driving”. Like…to the store? I don’t get it.

14. He has a myspace music player (cause he just needs you to listen to music while you read about him) and one of the songs on it is by Interpol. Um, derivative much? How can one like Interpol that much, but not even list Joy Division on that huge list of music?

15. Who the hell downloads a Myspace music player anyways? See comment 1.

16. He wants to meet good people. Wow, how interesting. I mean, most of us love to just meet total assholes and then surround ourselves in them.

17. It’s hard to tell from his pictures, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s a Ginger. And you know how I feel about that.

18. I have real work to do. I can’t look at this douche anymore. I’m starting to hate myself almost as much as I hate him.

From now on whenever anyone wants to ask me out i am just going to give them Katie's contact info.

God I'm pale.

I was all freaked out because Katie emailed me that people on the internet could see my cooter on Facebook. But it's really not that bad.

I date so you can laugh about it later.

My friend Erin emailed asking me if she can set me up with some dude who is probably from the marina and won't get it. But I might take her up on it because blind dates are the stuff of blogs.

Also, she is getting married this year and is on a "bride diet", despite having the cutest figure so we are going to hot yoga together later this week and maybe dance class.

That's my morning update.

j

Stacy is bringing me this She-Bible pantsuit and I am really excited about it. It looks good on everyone and I am going to wear it with super high heels and then they're pants so I can get all drunk and fall over while dancing and no one will see my cooter! Well, til later anyway.