i can haz...

So this year instead of playing the white elephant game (ugh i HATE that game) we are doing secret santa at the neuro-epi office. Here's my list:

5 things I like:
1) Kittens and/or
2) Puppies
3) Booze
4) Science!
5) Cooking/Baking

I actually deleted "boys" from the list, but left booze on there. Hey, if the right person picks my name I might get a six pack of beer or something? I though the odds of recieving a boyfriend from my work secret santa were slim to none.


Six of one/half dozen of the other...

The other night i was at some event cuz it was supposed to be open bar (but was NOT) and ended up dancing/drinking/hanging out with some friends I haven’t seen in a while. One of them gave me a flyer for an event he was djing, a big all night party that I feel too old to attend. Dudes, I looked at the flyer and was like…oh He’s djing? And so’s HE? And realized there would be at least three dudes at that party who have at lease seen me naked (I haven’t, you know, banged all of ‘em, but still). I can hypothesize on at least two, and maybe three other guys who might be there and round the number up to six. Which would be hilarious.

If I go, and if that happens, I will be running my first ever d-cupcake contest to see who can name ‘em all or at least describe them by how we met/where they’re from/why I never slept with them again. The prize would probably be my prank calling one or more of them to see which one I can get to come over first or at least buy me drinks.


pussy cart.

KK: What's up with BK?

JF: i have to email and remind him he's got to kick whatever lame girls he's got hanging around out of his bed for a week while i'm in town. i can maybe mention that he should also not leave condom wrappers from said girls on the floor where i can see them...but i maybe don't care that much because i am a ho.

KK: I'm glad to hear that you'll still be banging BK. Doesn't he have family to visit for Thanksgiving?

JF: i dunno. i should text him and remind him the pussy shop's in town.

KK: omg. the pussy cart. hahahahaha

JF: the pussy trunk show? wait that implies my pussy is big and spacious like a trunk and it is not! exclusive pussy collection? pussy gift with purchase?

KK: I'm into the idea of the pussy cart, like how downtown there is collection of food carts. portland is really big into the food cart scene. I saw one yesterday that just served waffles and ice cream. Yours would just serve pussy. and handjobs on the side...

JF: it would be more like the bacon wrapped hot dog carts in the mission...open late night/for hipsters.


bloggin in my sleep.

Last night I took half a valium with my pm glass of jug wine because I couldn’t sleep (which was totally my fault because I spent the entire day in pj’s/wrapped in a blanket alternately napping/playing with teh kittens) and woke up from a nightmare thinking I HAD to blog about it. But I think the dream/nightmare was just that there was a hole in my bathroom wall so I couldn’t use it. Then I woke up really having to pee (thanks jug wine) so that explains it I guess.

Said kittens are available for cute time whenever you want to stop by. They love you.


Today's NY Times Style section has an article about goth fashion:

"Done badly, Gothic makeup can look painfully stupid. After spending money on a decent base, take the trouble to apply it evenly. It’s appalling how many Goths overlook something so basic and vital to their entire aesthetic. Equally bad and unfortunately just as frequent is the tendency to overpowder and the tendency to end one’s pallor at the jawbone. I can understand someone having difficulty with liquid eyeliner, but some mistakes are just inexcusably stupid. Don’t make them.”




Fuck you hippies

Best weekend in SF every year is Burning Man weekend. All the hippies and burners are having gross sex with each other in the dessert leaving us blissfully void of their presence. It's like all the places we want to go in this city will be 20% awesomer this weekend. Thanks hippies now get the fuck out so I can enjoy the lack of you.

Crap knickers are not worth my time.

Shopping for cheap shit makes me cranky. It’s really hard to find stuff you like, and I’m not always in the mood to sift through lots of filler and tacky stuff (except for when it comes to thrift shopping for shoes and/or lingerie).Yesterday after work I had to go shopping for a cheap black bra to turn into a costume. This is my story.

I first went to Fredrick's of Hollywood because one of the girls in my burlesque class told me you can get not horrible really cheap stuff there and there’s one in the mall downtown (Who knew?? Not me). I checked it out and it was awful as predicted. Cheap cheap looking, ill fitting shit and the bras were still like $35 (is that cheap?). I tried on a couple and they did. not. fit. The sales girl kept coming over to the dressing room to insist they fit. I was like...it's too tight and is giving me armpit fat...and she was like right, but your boobs look great. And sure, the cleavage part looked fine but the rest of it was awful. I asked for the 38 D (34D – my size-no way, 36C still too tight) and she was like, "…that will be WAY too big" and didn't get it for me. So, yeah. I left. Ugh.

Next I stopped by Victoria’s Secret which I honestly haven’t been into since high school. Based on the catalogue that comes in the mail seemingly once a week (ugh again) I was expecting it to be super horrible and tacky. But…it wasn’t that bad. The store was clean, well staffed, and not over merchandised. They had their basic bras in a bunch of colors (almost all padded/molded “tee shirt” bras. God I hate those…my breast are *already* breast shaped, thanks) and some more fashion forward lines that were knock offs of Agent Provocateur and La Perla. At first I was really excited about this great dark blue corset/high waisted knicker/bra set with hot pink lacing/details that was actually really sexytime and fun and only $40 a piece. The color combination was great, and I was thinking it would look good on stage AND on my floor (key considerations for lingerie). But the fit. My god, the fit was so bad. The set did nothing for my figure. Like, didn’t hold up my tits, flatter my ass, or give me an hourglass figure (and that doesn’t take much because my waist is much smaller than my hips). I’ve probably just been spoiled lately thanks to Jen and the ladies at AP, but I am used to my lingerie helping me out and making shit work. Not so much at VS. Plus their basic black bras were like $40 for the cheapest and they weren’t any better than the Fredrick’s crap. No dice again.

This story is going on an on so sorry. I ended up at Gap body and bought a bra on sale for $13. Boring, basic, and I will never wear it again. Well, because it’s covered in tassels now and that's too much stuff getting in the way of my tits.


i don't remember any of this.

I found this half-written message in my oft forgotten "Drafts" folder with the subject - "Life + Style = Us". It's dated 01/15/2005. I think we met this dude at an art show? I maybe made up a different name while I was talking to him? I dunno.

Yo Buck.

Thanks again for the wine and the art narrative. Brook and I had a lovely time debating paper cut outs and elephants for the rest of the evening.


Jungle Fever

Dudes, I've been practicing so hard for this and haven't been out in soooo long...but here's the update:

Obvs you know you can see my tits/made up awesome dance moves anytime you want for free...still...come see me dance with the Burlesqueteers and make my solo debut with a hopefully hilarious AND sexy Jungle themed routine. The show at Stagewerx should be a riot.

Let's lure some boys with the promise of titties, then make them buy us drinks?


See you there.


Knickers forever...

I just got back from a nice ass long vacay, and plan to get a-bloggin again soon. Bu this couldn't wait...it's just come to my attention that Agent Provocateur is having 50% off sale online (not sure if it's in the store, too) so all you ladies should treat yourself to something nice. I'm probably going to get the Gangsta in Red and the Talma set.

The Talma seems really nautical to me, and will go perfectly with the vintage anchor necklace Katie gave me while I was in Portland.



Last night

My coworker email to ask what I did last night and I wrote back:

Birthday party at the Casanova, had martinis, champagne & birthday cake for dinner. Hung out at Dolores park til late drinking rum like a pirate. Crashed a weird house party/rave then went to the lone palm and talked about science til it was time to ride my bike home. You know, the ushe.

Oh, summertime.


text games to play

So I'm deleting these text from my phone (sent box). But they are really good, and I want to preserve them. I was playing one of my favorite games called 'what are you wearing?' that I play with myself all the time and sometimes with dudes. (I am typically more into it, but most dudes are boring dressers anyway).

"Heading Home. tight vintage dress, black sheer AP bra, knickers, heels (obvs), lipgloss, hotel costes body oil. sweet dreams, etc. j"

"High Waisted vintage pink sheer knickers, thin grey tee shirt, wet hair, smelling like vetiver, velvet, and talc. sweet dreams, j"

so there. now these sexytime texts are for my ladies who can motherfucking appreciate it.


Crazypants stalkerpants

I’m open to pretty much any suggestions at this point. Crazystalkerpants girl has been calling 4 times a day, and stopping by my apartment just to, you know, call me a slut or a whore (sometimes skank or ho). The police haven't done anything about it yet, and I just don't know what to do...I keep trying to remind myself that’s she’s a.) crazy, and b.) probably doing this to like ten other people, and c.) dudes it’s like I’m a celebrity!, but really, this is just annoying. Anyone know how to set up a surveillance camera in my building lobby and/or want to volunteer for a stakeout with me? Ugh.


last week...

...i went to a party with a dude (at his house), and i ended up chatting with his hilarious roommate (girl) for too long and he actually got all pouty and went to his room! me and the roommate were like...what a baby! after hanging out with her for like an hour and polishing off a bottle of champs, i had to do a secret knock for him to let me in and we watched the simpsons in his loft bed. i declined his invite to stay over. his roomate is awesome, though and we've totally been texting. ladies rule.



Here it goes again... I have these pumps in black and red eel skin (well, AND blue eel skin but those are open toed) and this fall they're coming out in...pink. Maybe I'm just feeling all retarded from watching the Sex and the City movie this weekend with my mom, but DAMN. I want more stilettos in my life. Well, at least these ones.

Oh, also, Sergio Rossi website has 40% off all spring/summer '08 styles, including those paint-drip heels that were all over everywhere

Comments/New posts

I've enabled comments so you won't have to log in to leave them. I'll keep it this way unless crazypants stalker finds me here and/or creepy dudes leave too many weird messages.

Also, let me know if you want to be emailed whem I post a new blog. I'm not promising it'll be good...just that I'll let you know it's there.

Second date = second base (stealing third)

So I went on a second date with A last week. First date was drinks, an awesome movie, then more drinks. It went really well and we said we'd get together again soon. And then…

I was home baking strawberry rhubarb pies when A called and offered to host an evening including his big screen tv, impressive movie collection, and, uh, bed. Obvs I LOVE watching tv, and in combination with a dude to mack on I was so there. After my pies came out of the oven, I put on a slut outfit (clothing appropriate for the nighttime AND work the next day), got too lazy to walk and called a cab. (which took like 45 minutes and I was really annoyed by then but whatever.) He lives really close to me so I got there in no time. We made small talk and decided to watch fairly obscure David Cronenberg film.

Anyway, we were cuddled up a bit, mocking the shitty dialogue and amazing mullet on the main character and it didn't take long before dude was getting all gropy and he kept leaning over to kiss me. I didn't really mind too much, since that's what I was there for and typically, I like dudes who make the moves on me. So we progressed from kissing/cuddling, to him playing with my tits (awesome) and my dress was on the floor/his shirt was off. At some point he said to me …"turn around I want to spank you," and I was like OK, because I always think a little kink is fun and who doesn't like getting spanked? Kinky boys always make me giggly/horny so I was pretty stoked. I'm thinking, way to keep it fun and interesting dude.

So I turn around, he slaps my ass a couple times playfully, and I was waiting for him to make the next move (either break into laughter, or, like take it to whatever next level that stuff goes to) and all of a sudden I hear him ripping open a condom and he says, "I really want to slide into you, you're so hot." Which was a bit abrupt to go from jokingly rolling around the bed to full on hitting it from behind THE FIRST TIME WE (were maybe going to) HAVE SEX. I mean, I hadn't given him an indication I was for sure going to fuck him yet, so I thought he was being a bit presumptuous.

Having been in plenty of casual sex situations before, I was thinking that this could go either way. Fucking him right now, with minimal foreplay and letting him take complete control might be really hot. But the more I thought about it, I was not totally wanting to bone down. I assume he could sense my hesitation because he asked me, "is this ok?," and I took that opportunity to be like, uh, no. Really, I felt like it was an awkward transition and that he was either a) nervous/inexperienced or b) a jerk. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I was like fuck it (heh) and went back to the make out cuz, you know, boners are fun to be around and I wasn’t, like going to leave.

I ended up giving him a quick bj, then the night was pretty much over after he hopped out of bed to do a few “bong rips” and then didn’t go down on me. And I never called him again.

Anyway, I kind of last track of this story. I need an editor.


Hanging on the telephone

I’m sure most of you reading this had already seen my pouty face and heard all about it, but hey that’s what this blog is for...so I can rehash my own shit to, uh, myself, and you can imbibe at your leisure. Please leave me comments kthxbai!

I was recently dumped by non-communication. Un-communication? Dis-communication? Whatever is the opposite of contact. Mind you, this had only been like a month and a half of fairly steady sex with some dinner/drink/movie shit thrown in for kicks. So no big romance or anything but I did kind of like this one. And then one morning, no witty email, hilarious texts, and as the days went on, no phone call with a breathless explanation for the assholery of not calling me on my birthday. I just Never Heard From Him Again. What gives? I am so not asking for much...a phone call, email,text message, hell a myspace comment is really all it takes for dude to drag me (willingly) into bed. Are men getting so much pussy thrown at them that they can afford to turn it away without even a quick “…oh sorry, it’s not me it’s you” to ensure they can crawl back between the sheets for future bonedowns? With this one I feel like I set the "get into my pants" bar at retard olympic** height and homeboy couldn't even make the crippled leap to reach my tits. (Metaphorically speaking, because of course he was all OVER those shits)

The worst thing is...I still really want to sleep with him of course. The sex was fantastic. Kind of adventurous, with a little kink and a tremendous amount of chemistry. To fuck him again would basically reward his crap-tastic behavior with pussy. So I’m pretty decided against it. Um…til I’m drunk. At least I can blog about it? And, uh, get laid which I haven’t in almost three weeks and I feel like a chaste slut.

**retard olympics is an awesome blog you should check out btw.

That magic moment...

...No, not the one where you first realize you’re going to eff some dude.That's a magic moment, but not the one I'm talking about right now. What I mean is when you are making out with some dude, you, like, KNOW you're gunna fuck him…and not because you're drunk, or because you're horny and he'll do…but because you know he's a good kisser and you can TELL he's good with his hands and you're pretty sure he's going to give some sweet ass head so you're already going to look forward to this...but then you cop a feel, covertly glance at his bathing suit area, or get bonerspooned while he's reaching around to grab a tit or two...and it's like...fuck this guy is HUNG. Then you just know an indulgent night is ahead of you.

Part of it is that given more ween to work with, you can def get in some deeper spots in missionary position if you're feeling lazy and/or uncreative. But you can also experiment with some other crazy/awesome positions that an extra inch or two make possible. Some dicks just have more options**.

I'm assuming no dudes are even reading this and needing reassurance and I'm sure my ladies will second that size isn't the most important factor. But all things being equal it sure is nice if that sweet head giving, sort of kinky, breathtaking kisser happens to have some high quality junk to bang with. You feel me?

**Exempting those ridic giant dicks that are literally like a baby's arm. Those things effing HURT and I feel kind of bad for dudes packing that kind of heat. Yikes.


Make It (bag)

Hermes website has this really fun "make your own Kelly bag" pattern**. Click here to get it:


Guess you guys know what shape my Christmas cards are going to be folded into this year. Oh, and if anyone can print this out for me on orange card stock holla back.

**sized to fit a single piece of paper.


High vs. Lo...

...Not to be confused with LiLo, or even just (team) Lo...I'm talking (blogging) about shoes. Kitten heels are on my list of useless things. They combine all the hassle of a heel with none of the sex appeal. So I go flat or I go high. Typically, I have no use for heels less than 3", and I prefer the full 4". I'm not sure if it's because I'm short, have high arches, or just like looking all sexypants all the time...But I bought these insanely sexyified Sergio Rossi pumps this weekend. They are hella fresh black eelskin and so fucking hot. Now I just need dates to wear them on. So I can take them off, natch.


set up?

Does anyone think it's a good idea for Bootsie to set me up with a "hip hop guy"? I guess I can blog about it after...


put it in my mouth

putitinmymouth was taken already (by a really boring blog but she got there first so whatever), and this weekend Ritz gave me the software. So a drunken consensus was made to call this blog D-Cupcake. Party in my mouth was a close second.