conversations to and from Katie

kk: I want these ones. Who is going to NY and can get them for me? (link to some rainboots)

jf: I think dr metal is going soon...I can barter sex for favors?

kk: Carrying rainboots is a pretty big favor. You must have an arsenal of tricks.

jf: More like an arsenal of jobs...

It's not even Friday...

...and I have a case of the Mondays :(

Luckily, this lil guy on my desktop is cheering me right up!

on poo and kittens

JF: I am going to start signing my name like this…fÔft

KK: um, okay. You've got a lot of time on your hands.

JF: yup.

KK: I'm spending my time making a powerpoint presentation about my self. read about what I have to do:
…a 5-10 min presentation on your educational background and how that fits into the typical US PhD

JF: can you do it funny? like at all...?

KK: I don't know!! Its going to be a bunch of euros and I'm not sure they will get my humor? Like if I'm all "I got into graduate school cause I wore a really low cut shirt to the interview??"

JF: maybe sneak in funny science jokes? or cartoons? or pictures of kittens doing science experiments?

KK: please find me pictures of kittens doing science experiments.

JF: surprisingly this is a challenge...i've searched:

kitten in lab coats

kitten doctor

kitten scientist

kitten laboratory

kitten medical

and so far this is the best picture I can find. It's unrelated, though. still lols.

KK: ah shit. I just almost peed my pants.

JF: yeah it's so cute because the lil guy just looks so...sad...about it :(

JF: ok now I just found a website of mutant kittens and had to look. so sad now! going to read I can haz cheeseburgers now kthxbai!

KK: Yeah, I was afraid I was going to find photos of kittens that had experiments done ON them. Peta shit and what not.

KK: BTW, why doesn't my dog have a lab coat? I've got to get on that...

JF: omg dr jack! or Murse jack?

KK: my dogs a gay, so he would obviously be a murse.

JF: you can get him a lil fanny pack with supplies in there? and scrubs with other dogs on them?

KK: And he can wear the lil foot booties so he stops tracking mud into the house. and he'll wear a stethoscope.

KK: Jack got poop on my coat last night. I sat down on the couch and he hopped on my lap, and then when he moved there was poo on my coat. I had to bathe him and then I shaved his butt hair with E's clippers. Don't tell him.

JF: oh your secret is safe with me. just one more thing for you and i to crack up about when E does something and he has no idea what's happening. we leave him befuddled.

KK: please submit to Foggy monocle. I need reinforcement that we are funny

JF: we maybe need to make it sluttier than that? or more about drugs? like how last night M and I drank manhattans with liquid codeine floats and I woke up next to him naked but we didn't have the sex. (true story)

EDIT FROM KG:

It might be funny if the convo ended with:

JF: well, you shaved your dog's butt with your husband's clippers. My night was about codine floats on my manhattans and waking up naked but unsexed next to M.

KK: How are even still BFF?

JF: Cause you still love the condeine float?

KK: Its the truth.

Or, on another note, we could mention that those are the clippers that E uses to clip his balls (for reals).

I date so you can laugh about it later, part 2

Per my earlier post, my friend Erin met some dude at a bar last weekend and wants to set me up with him. After checking out his myspace profile, I have to be like WTF. She met this dude at a bar and though immediately of me and that we would hit it off?!?

Obvs I can’t link to his myspace page to illustrate this point (because that would just be cruel), but Katie helpfully summarized why no one who knows me would ever try to set me up with this dude. Enjoy!

1. Who the fuck actually uses a myspace layout editor? 12 year old girls, that's who.

2. He is going to City College. Is that the same thing as New College? It better not be.

3. His music list is long and in alphabetical order. This means that he copied every artist that appears on I-pod. So this isn’t a random sampling of his music, this is it. And that’s not a good thing.

4. He smokes.

5. All of his photos are with the same girl. Not single much?

6. He's 28. That's kinda young.

7. He wears dickies and a beanie. What are we in 1996??

8. From reading his friends comments, it appears his nickname is “PeeWee”. Is that in reference to him being tiny? His arrests for pulling the pud in a movie theater? Does he have a word of the day? A talking chair? I can’t think of a good reason why somebody would have that nickname.

9. He’s a member of myspace group called “O.I.C”. When you click to look at what it is, Myspace tells you “This group may contain materials of a mature subject matter. It is inappropriate for members under the age of 18. Do you want to proceed?”. I of course, clicked no because I don’t even want to know.

10. He’s a warehouse manager. Does that mean he’s as cool as the warehouse manager on “The Office”? If so, marry him now.
11. He likes the show “Lost”. Does he also like to light a Yankee candle, eat a carton of chunky monkey in the bath and gently cry himself to sleep?

12. He mentions in his myspace that he likes the pot. Who mentions that in a myspace profile??

13. His first interest is “Driving”. Like…to the store? I don’t get it.

14. He has a myspace music player (cause he just needs you to listen to music while you read about him) and one of the songs on it is by Interpol. Um, derivative much? How can one like Interpol that much, but not even list Joy Division on that huge list of music?

15. Who the hell downloads a Myspace music player anyways? See comment 1.

16. He wants to meet good people. Wow, how interesting. I mean, most of us love to just meet total assholes and then surround ourselves in them.

17. It’s hard to tell from his pictures, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s a Ginger. And you know how I feel about that.

18. I have real work to do. I can’t look at this douche anymore. I’m starting to hate myself almost as much as I hate him.

From now on whenever anyone wants to ask me out i am just going to give them Katie's contact info.

I date so you can laugh about it later.

My friend Erin emailed asking me if she can set me up with some dude who is probably from the marina and won't get it. But I might take her up on it because blind dates are the stuff of blogs.

Also, she is getting married this year and is on a "bride diet", despite having the cutest figure so we are going to hot yoga together later this week and maybe dance class.

That's my morning update.

j

pussy cart.

KK: What's up with BK?

JF: i have to email and remind him he's got to kick whatever lame girls he's got hanging around out of his bed for a week while i'm in town. i can maybe mention that he should also not leave condom wrappers from said girls on the floor where i can see them...but i maybe don't care that much because i am a ho.

KK: I'm glad to hear that you'll still be banging BK. Doesn't he have family to visit for Thanksgiving?

JF: i dunno. i should text him and remind him the pussy shop's in town.

KK: omg. the pussy cart. hahahahaha

JF: the pussy trunk show? wait that implies my pussy is big and spacious like a trunk and it is not! exclusive pussy collection? pussy gift with purchase?

KK: I'm into the idea of the pussy cart, like how downtown there is collection of food carts. portland is really big into the food cart scene. I saw one yesterday that just served waffles and ice cream. Yours would just serve pussy. and handjobs on the side...

JF: it would be more like the bacon wrapped hot dog carts in the mission...open late night/for hipsters.