conversations to and from Katie

kk: I want these ones. Who is going to NY and can get them for me? (link to some rainboots)

jf: I think dr metal is going soon...I can barter sex for favors?

kk: Carrying rainboots is a pretty big favor. You must have an arsenal of tricks.

jf: More like an arsenal of jobs...

saturday morning...

Me: it was nice of you to buy me breakfast


Dr Metal: it was nice of you to give me a blowjob.

This guy emailed me...

http://d-cupcake.blogspot.com/2008/06/second-date-second-base-stealing-third.html

This weekend text

J: Ugh, just started raining, now going to ruin my shoes.

M: You know what won't ruin your shoes? My bed.

nice.

I date so you can laugh about it later, part 2

Per my earlier post, my friend Erin met some dude at a bar last weekend and wants to set me up with him. After checking out his myspace profile, I have to be like WTF. She met this dude at a bar and though immediately of me and that we would hit it off?!?

Obvs I can’t link to his myspace page to illustrate this point (because that would just be cruel), but Katie helpfully summarized why no one who knows me would ever try to set me up with this dude. Enjoy!

1. Who the fuck actually uses a myspace layout editor? 12 year old girls, that's who.

2. He is going to City College. Is that the same thing as New College? It better not be.

3. His music list is long and in alphabetical order. This means that he copied every artist that appears on I-pod. So this isn’t a random sampling of his music, this is it. And that’s not a good thing.

4. He smokes.

5. All of his photos are with the same girl. Not single much?

6. He's 28. That's kinda young.

7. He wears dickies and a beanie. What are we in 1996??

8. From reading his friends comments, it appears his nickname is “PeeWee”. Is that in reference to him being tiny? His arrests for pulling the pud in a movie theater? Does he have a word of the day? A talking chair? I can’t think of a good reason why somebody would have that nickname.

9. He’s a member of myspace group called “O.I.C”. When you click to look at what it is, Myspace tells you “This group may contain materials of a mature subject matter. It is inappropriate for members under the age of 18. Do you want to proceed?”. I of course, clicked no because I don’t even want to know.

10. He’s a warehouse manager. Does that mean he’s as cool as the warehouse manager on “The Office”? If so, marry him now.
11. He likes the show “Lost”. Does he also like to light a Yankee candle, eat a carton of chunky monkey in the bath and gently cry himself to sleep?

12. He mentions in his myspace that he likes the pot. Who mentions that in a myspace profile??

13. His first interest is “Driving”. Like…to the store? I don’t get it.

14. He has a myspace music player (cause he just needs you to listen to music while you read about him) and one of the songs on it is by Interpol. Um, derivative much? How can one like Interpol that much, but not even list Joy Division on that huge list of music?

15. Who the hell downloads a Myspace music player anyways? See comment 1.

16. He wants to meet good people. Wow, how interesting. I mean, most of us love to just meet total assholes and then surround ourselves in them.

17. It’s hard to tell from his pictures, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s a Ginger. And you know how I feel about that.

18. I have real work to do. I can’t look at this douche anymore. I’m starting to hate myself almost as much as I hate him.

From now on whenever anyone wants to ask me out i am just going to give them Katie's contact info.

I date so you can laugh about it later.

My friend Erin emailed asking me if she can set me up with some dude who is probably from the marina and won't get it. But I might take her up on it because blind dates are the stuff of blogs.

Also, she is getting married this year and is on a "bride diet", despite having the cutest figure so we are going to hot yoga together later this week and maybe dance class.

That's my morning update.

j

Six of one/half dozen of the other...

The other night i was at some event cuz it was supposed to be open bar (but was NOT) and ended up dancing/drinking/hanging out with some friends I haven’t seen in a while. One of them gave me a flyer for an event he was djing, a big all night party that I feel too old to attend. Dudes, I looked at the flyer and was like…oh He’s djing? And so’s HE? And realized there would be at least three dudes at that party who have at lease seen me naked (I haven’t, you know, banged all of ‘em, but still). I can hypothesize on at least two, and maybe three other guys who might be there and round the number up to six. Which would be hilarious.

If I go, and if that happens, I will be running my first ever d-cupcake contest to see who can name ‘em all or at least describe them by how we met/where they’re from/why I never slept with them again. The prize would probably be my prank calling one or more of them to see which one I can get to come over first or at least buy me drinks.

pussy cart.

KK: What's up with BK?

JF: i have to email and remind him he's got to kick whatever lame girls he's got hanging around out of his bed for a week while i'm in town. i can maybe mention that he should also not leave condom wrappers from said girls on the floor where i can see them...but i maybe don't care that much because i am a ho.

KK: I'm glad to hear that you'll still be banging BK. Doesn't he have family to visit for Thanksgiving?

JF: i dunno. i should text him and remind him the pussy shop's in town.

KK: omg. the pussy cart. hahahahaha

JF: the pussy trunk show? wait that implies my pussy is big and spacious like a trunk and it is not! exclusive pussy collection? pussy gift with purchase?

KK: I'm into the idea of the pussy cart, like how downtown there is collection of food carts. portland is really big into the food cart scene. I saw one yesterday that just served waffles and ice cream. Yours would just serve pussy. and handjobs on the side...

JF: it would be more like the bacon wrapped hot dog carts in the mission...open late night/for hipsters.

last week...

...i went to a party with a dude (at his house), and i ended up chatting with his hilarious roommate (girl) for too long and he actually got all pouty and went to his room! me and the roommate were like...what a baby! after hanging out with her for like an hour and polishing off a bottle of champs, i had to do a secret knock for him to let me in and we watched the simpsons in his loft bed. i declined his invite to stay over. his roomate is awesome, though and we've totally been texting. ladies rule.

Second date = second base (stealing third)

So I went on a second date with A last week. First date was drinks, an awesome movie, then more drinks. It went really well and we said we'd get together again soon. And then…

I was home baking strawberry rhubarb pies when A called and offered to host an evening including his big screen tv, impressive movie collection, and, uh, bed. Obvs I LOVE watching tv, and in combination with a dude to mack on I was so there. After my pies came out of the oven, I put on a slut outfit (clothing appropriate for the nighttime AND work the next day), got too lazy to walk and called a cab. (which took like 45 minutes and I was really annoyed by then but whatever.) He lives really close to me so I got there in no time. We made small talk and decided to watch fairly obscure David Cronenberg film.

Anyway, we were cuddled up a bit, mocking the shitty dialogue and amazing mullet on the main character and it didn't take long before dude was getting all gropy and he kept leaning over to kiss me. I didn't really mind too much, since that's what I was there for and typically, I like dudes who make the moves on me. So we progressed from kissing/cuddling, to him playing with my tits (awesome) and my dress was on the floor/his shirt was off. At some point he said to me …"turn around I want to spank you," and I was like OK, because I always think a little kink is fun and who doesn't like getting spanked? Kinky boys always make me giggly/horny so I was pretty stoked. I'm thinking, way to keep it fun and interesting dude.

So I turn around, he slaps my ass a couple times playfully, and I was waiting for him to make the next move (either break into laughter, or, like take it to whatever next level that stuff goes to) and all of a sudden I hear him ripping open a condom and he says, "I really want to slide into you, you're so hot." Which was a bit abrupt to go from jokingly rolling around the bed to full on hitting it from behind THE FIRST TIME WE (were maybe going to) HAVE SEX. I mean, I hadn't given him an indication I was for sure going to fuck him yet, so I thought he was being a bit presumptuous.

Having been in plenty of casual sex situations before, I was thinking that this could go either way. Fucking him right now, with minimal foreplay and letting him take complete control might be really hot. But the more I thought about it, I was not totally wanting to bone down. I assume he could sense my hesitation because he asked me, "is this ok?," and I took that opportunity to be like, uh, no. Really, I felt like it was an awkward transition and that he was either a) nervous/inexperienced or b) a jerk. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I was like fuck it (heh) and went back to the make out cuz, you know, boners are fun to be around and I wasn’t, like going to leave.

I ended up giving him a quick bj, then the night was pretty much over after he hopped out of bed to do a few “bong rips” and then didn’t go down on me. And I never called him again.

Anyway, I kind of last track of this story. I need an editor.

Hanging on the telephone

I’m sure most of you reading this had already seen my pouty face and heard all about it, but hey that’s what this blog is for...so I can rehash my own shit to, uh, myself, and you can imbibe at your leisure. Please leave me comments kthxbai!

I was recently dumped by non-communication. Un-communication? Dis-communication? Whatever is the opposite of contact. Mind you, this had only been like a month and a half of fairly steady sex with some dinner/drink/movie shit thrown in for kicks. So no big romance or anything but I did kind of like this one. And then one morning, no witty email, hilarious texts, and as the days went on, no phone call with a breathless explanation for the assholery of not calling me on my birthday. I just Never Heard From Him Again. What gives? I am so not asking for much...a phone call, email,text message, hell a myspace comment is really all it takes for dude to drag me (willingly) into bed. Are men getting so much pussy thrown at them that they can afford to turn it away without even a quick “…oh sorry, it’s not me it’s you” to ensure they can crawl back between the sheets for future bonedowns? With this one I feel like I set the "get into my pants" bar at retard olympic** height and homeboy couldn't even make the crippled leap to reach my tits. (Metaphorically speaking, because of course he was all OVER those shits)

The worst thing is...I still really want to sleep with him of course. The sex was fantastic. Kind of adventurous, with a little kink and a tremendous amount of chemistry. To fuck him again would basically reward his crap-tastic behavior with pussy. So I’m pretty decided against it. Um…til I’m drunk. At least I can blog about it? And, uh, get laid which I haven’t in almost three weeks and I feel like a chaste slut.

**retard olympics is an awesome blog you should check out btw.

That magic moment...

...No, not the one where you first realize you’re going to eff some dude.That's a magic moment, but not the one I'm talking about right now. What I mean is when you are making out with some dude, you, like, KNOW you're gunna fuck him…and not because you're drunk, or because you're horny and he'll do…but because you know he's a good kisser and you can TELL he's good with his hands and you're pretty sure he's going to give some sweet ass head so you're already going to look forward to this...but then you cop a feel, covertly glance at his bathing suit area, or get bonerspooned while he's reaching around to grab a tit or two...and it's like...fuck this guy is HUNG. Then you just know an indulgent night is ahead of you.

Part of it is that given more ween to work with, you can def get in some deeper spots in missionary position if you're feeling lazy and/or uncreative. But you can also experiment with some other crazy/awesome positions that an extra inch or two make possible. Some dicks just have more options**.

I'm assuming no dudes are even reading this and needing reassurance and I'm sure my ladies will second that size isn't the most important factor. But all things being equal it sure is nice if that sweet head giving, sort of kinky, breathtaking kisser happens to have some high quality junk to bang with. You feel me?

**Exempting those ridic giant dicks that are literally like a baby's arm. Those things effing HURT and I feel kind of bad for dudes packing that kind of heat. Yikes.

set up?

Does anyone think it's a good idea for Bootsie to set me up with a "hip hop guy"? I guess I can blog about it after...