d-cupcake

Hippy KO

2012-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

Got into a fight with an angry hippy the other night at the Attic.

Me: Dude, you have dreadlocks.

Hippy: Your pussy smells worse than my dreadlocks

Me: How do you even know what pussy smells like? YOU HAVE DREADLOCKS!

just try and make fun of my awesome lifestyle

2012-01-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

A bunch of lady blogs have been all pissed off about this "offensive" cartoon that is pretty funny and does accurately depict my life.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/christmas

I am doing all the 20's and 30's stuff fyi.

2011-10-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dr Metal and I left our bikes locked outside while we went to dinner at Contogna on Sunday night. Well, honestly, it was drinks at waterbar before, and dancing at LiPos after. ANYWAY the point is that when I got home I found...Bike Basket Trash! I am telling you this happens all the time and for some reason cracks me up.

So I did this in 8th grade...

2011-10-25T10:58:00.001-07:00

ugh the 90's are really, really back.

http://intothegloss.com/2011/10/shaved-part-ii/

The jugshop has a blog.

2011-10-24T13:15:00.001-07:00

http://thejugshop.blogspot.com/

2011-10-17T23:29:00.001-07:00

Megan came over last week so I could paint her nails(jade with gold half moons...what??), and they look fucking awesome. Dudes, come over and I'll do yours, too. Dr Metal (my neighbor) will make us drinks. xoxo jf.

I found this in my "drafts" folder from 8/25/08

2011-10-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

I found this in my "drafts" folder from 8/25/08.

Post Title: I'll go Disco...

I started Saturday night at dinner drinking really fucking strong mojitos with Karla's parents. They were raelly [sic] fun to drink, then 'd hit a poclet [sic] of rum and realize where this was heading...

Karla and her mom sound the same when they are slurring, and we got along great. Also, now I have a place to stay whenever I am in Wisconsin!

This weekend was the Last Frisco Dicso [sic] Ever...for like the third time.

I came home with mud and glitter on my shoes, and a dude.

New tag: Bike Basket Trash

2011-10-15T15:35:00.001-07:00

If I ever start remembering to bring my camera places with me (gift, thanks dad!) I will start taking pictures of the trash people leave in bike baskets. Because that shit cracks me up.

i am gay for halloween

2011-09-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Perfect french maid dress?

Paris je t'aime

2011-09-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

KMB's going to Paris/Florence in a few weeks, so I am making a list of places for her to go. Ritz helped. By reading this post you are agreeing to bring me back candles (Cire Trudon), tea (Maraige Freres), and scented erasers(!)(Astier de Villatte. )

--This shop looks fucking amazing. You can get the candles here in the US (at Barneys, natch), but that's about it. They make amazing ceramics, print their own paper/stationary, and bet there's french-only candles you can only get at the shop. Also I want a couple of their scented erasers!

http://www.astierdevillatte.com/

English write up:

http://patchnyc.com/wordpress/?p=34
--Of course you will go for tea at Mariage Freres. And maybe bring me back decaf tea that you can only get in france, they have better packaging when you buy it there:

http://www.mariagefreres.com/boutique/UK/vt+addresses.html

--Another candle store, most of the selection is only in france: http://www.ciretrudon.com/

--If you go nowhere else:

http://www.colette.fr/

--Christian Louboutin's favorite restaurant in Paris. Just though you should know:

http://www.petrelle.fr/

xoxo Sugartits

2011-09-21T19:51:00.001-07:00

No, those aren't my boobs.

2011-09-21T19:28:00.001-07:00

Did a pretty awesome manicure the other day, using Essie Glamour Purse** as the base, and OPI gold crackle on top. So good. It's all sparkly in the sun and the crackle hides chips and crappy pain jobs.

**You can also use, like, any other grey/beige, griege nail polish. Of which there are lots. And lots. Some with less stupid names.

Trying to track down June 2011 Italian Vogue

2011-06-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

Because, duh...

aw shit...

2011-05-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

So i've always been like...whatever La Mer, thinking it's kind of too greasy and i don't love the smell. but when i was visiting ritz this weekend in LA, she gave me a generous sample and now i want some. so good. UGH.

Goth's not dead

2011-03-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Last night on the BART to Aakland for the Giants/A's game, some pseudo goth dude was wearing a shirt that said "Murder Never Dies." He was listing to AFI on his headphone I could tell!

Dudes!

2011-02-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

I keep meaning to start a newer lady blog but fuck it ima start writing on this one again. I'm filling in at Curator this weekend (with the INTERNET!) so i'll post some stuff. Or whatever.

shoes omg

2010-06-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I stopped by Barneys last night to pick up some shoes i'd had repaired. Whoops. Now i can't stop thinking about these....

Almost 5 inches, they're really not make for walking (even the type of walking-to-catch-a-cab walking i usually have to do in louboutins) but who need to walk anyway?

My life is exciting...

2010-03-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

yesterday i bought a new curling iron. it's gold. come over i'll curl your hair.

um, ok.

Invisible heel...

2010-02-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

Last month I was heading to the KO (duh) because John was djing and somehow broke the heel off of my Corso Como oxford. WTF? Managed to walk to the KO on one heel, and park myself on a barstool so that...

Erik and John could try to screw my heel back in with a power tool after Stacy and I were unsucessful at gluing it back on.

Erik was surprisingly able to fix the shoe enough that I could close down the Attic...so alright!

Mmmmm...butterscotch yo

2010-02-23T11:16:00.001-08:00

That's kind of a gross title to anyone who ever saw KIDS. But whatever. I found a recipe for Butter Rum caramels this morning and I am going to make the hell out of them...They might debut at Lady Date this week or possibly at Curator over the weekend...

Ladydate blog

2010-02-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

Just posted a preview menu for this week's lady date. I totally missed the last one, so this will be my first of 2010. And duh it's going to rule.

http://ladydatesf.blogspot.com/2010/02/this-week.html

Start your wish lists now...

2010-02-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

Oh, I bought this one, too

2010-02-09T12:20:00.001-08:00

Come over and I'll paint your nails.

I < 3 LOVE

2010-02-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

The new issue (#3!!) of Love magazine is out! Now! But, from what I can tell, nowhere in SF. I've checked Birch, Juicy News (stupid closed early), and the magazine shop in Russian Hill (it's like the Wall St Journal store or something?) and no luck. Any NYC peeps seen it yet? WANT.

The ridiculous stuff I buy, cont...

2010-02-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

I spent two hours stopping by Bloomingdales, Neimans, Chanel boutique, and Macy's to find Particuliere, the limited edition Chanel nail polish that came out late last month. I talked myself out of buying it when it came out because duh, I have like A HUNDRED nail polishes. This one was all staying on my mind so I got a little obsessive (what? me?) and tracked it down at Saks thanks to a tip from the Chanel girl at Macy's (thanks dude). I thought I'd pass it on in case you ladies want one. It's pretty perf.

FYI @Pin the Tail

2010-02-08T14:00:00.001-08:00

Pin the Tail (Carrie's adorable shop in the marina) is the only place I know in SF that carries Santa Maria Novella. I bought some of their amazing intimate wash over the weekend and I'm dying for the body milk...I put some on my hand and coudn't stop smelling it all day...

Anyway, check out the shop...She's carrying my salted and dark chocolate caramels, toffee, and heart shaped rose infused marshmallows for Valentine's Day, too.

http://www.pinthetailshop.blogspot.com/

Ink THIS

2010-02-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Chanel temporary tatoos go on sale the 15th....Obvs adding them to my neverending list of nonsense I buy.

Does anyone else think it's a rad idea to get them really tattoo'd on? I'm down if you are.

Daily Candy

2010-02-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.dailycandy.com/san-francisco/article/79955/Pin-the-Tail-Boutique

Carrie's rad shop Pin the Tail will be stocking Sugar Tits Valentine's candies starting next week, and got mentioned in Daily Candy! So Appropriate.

Of course Curator will have caramels, toffee, and a few other special treats tbd starting this weekend (I bought edible gold leaf fancypantses) and Megan is helping me with special V-Day (um, dirty) packaging. I'll update you with info and/or pictures if anyone has a digital camera or whatever. Let me know if there's anything you want to order/I can set aside.

XO jf

oh sex kitten romper!

2010-01-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

The girls were dropping it like it's hot and I was picking it back up...

conversations to and from Katie

2010-01-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

kk: I want these ones. Who is going to NY and can get them for me? (link to some rainboots)

jf: I think dr metal is going soon...I can barter sex for favors?

kk: Carrying rainboots is a pretty big favor. You must have an arsenal of tricks.

jf: More like an arsenal of jobs...

In which I publish LOLS

2009-12-23T13:44:00.001-08:00

Just sent of the following for peer review:

Dirt Bed [Durt Bed]

noun:

1. Dirty sheets typical of dudes, hallmarked by debris such as small rocks, kitty litter, mud, and actual dirt found in between the bottom and top sheets of his bed or resting place (can include couches and/or futons), often dragged in from walking barefoot on dirty floors. "I totally fingerblasted that girl in my dirt bed"

See also:

Bed Dirt [Bed Durt]

Noun

1.Detritus found in the dirty sheets of dudes. "I was totally fingerblasting that girl and added a bunch of vagibears to my bed dirt"

tags: dirty sheets, fingerblasting, finger banging, second base, vagibears.

OH YEAH

2009-12-21T12:05:00.001-08:00

F.A.R.T.

2009-12-20T15:13:00.001-08:00

some bum asked megan for change and we totally wanted to fart on him so she was like..."i can change the way the air around your face smells."

saturday morning...

2009-12-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

Me: it was nice of you to buy me breakfast

Dr Metal: it was nice of you to give me a blowjob.

saturday night all right!

2009-12-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

http://episcodisco.com/

I'm bartending at the Epico Disco this Saturday, Bertie's hecka fun church party. F, you know, YI.

Bah humbug at the Elbo Room

2009-12-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Shameless plug for the Burlesqueteers show on Tues, 12/8. I'll be doing pick up, and possibly dancing a number or two. Stop by for a drink and/or the girls.

What up Ams?

2009-11-23T13:40:00.001-08:00

Email I don't remember sending

2009-11-23T13:36:00.000-08:00

On 11/1/07, jessica . wrote:

dude...how totally fun was last night? ugh i got all this fake blood everywhere and didn't even make out with anyone weraing fake blood. waht gives? that shit's not going to come out and i had to scrub my face lots to get it off. how's it hanging today? did you put pictures up? 2007 is def continuing to rule.

home run!

2009-11-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_metaphors_for_sex

Please read this when you get a chance becuase from now on I will be qualifying everything I do with baseball metaphors for sex.

Email from this morning...

2009-10-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

"...after I left the house I realized I left my skull walking stick over there..."

Last night was awesome. Pictures to follow.

Stormy weather...

2009-10-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

Debating if I can justify buying this for myself in case of a rainstorm. It's really dreamy over a dress but has removeable garters which makes the dress optinal...

WDG

2009-10-05T11:39:00.001-07:00

Much belated picture from Katie's wedding last August. Ashley made my bridesmaid (slutsmaid?) dress and I am trying not to sink into the grass in my 4inch heels. Best man is apporox 1.5 feet taller than me, even with the heels.

www.trimoodphotography.com

Last weekend...

2009-09-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

I bartended at the Episco Dicso., Bertie P's awesome church dance party. Here are some pictures...

http://bertiep.blogspot.com/2009/09/epscdsc-septisc.html

lust=must

2009-09-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

This is the first blog post re: my hedonistic Portland vacation. I may have underestimated that place.

Anyway...I finally broke down and bought myself this bracelet by Arielle de Pinto at one of my favorite shops Stand Up Comedy. It is fucking amazing and I can't wait to link it to some other chain to make a necklace AND wear it as a ring.

2009-09-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

Eating veggie frittata for breakfast. This would be so much better with bacon.

Date Rape fail:

2009-08-21T09:30:00.001-07:00

This guy emailed me...

2009-08-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

http://d-cupcake.blogspot.com/2008/06/second-date-second-base-stealing-third.html

I agree, Dita.

2009-08-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I can't use iphone...I HATE my ipod touch, and you can't use either if you have long nails! I choose nails over iphone! But love apple, FYI!

--Tweet from Dita Von Teese.

LA poopoo

2009-08-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hanging out with Wifey, drinking a beer for breakfast...

Despite a ridiculous delay at SFO yesterday, my LA vacation is already fantastic. Ritz took me straight from the airport to Tito's tacos, then back to her place to hang out with Felix the cat. Dinner, then home to sleep til, well, now (2pm). Now bloggin in my underwear drinking an Asahi, text-making plans for a suburban pool party at Sarai's parent's house. Once i finish my beer we're going to pinkberry for lunch, then shopping at Kiki de Montparnasse and Coco de Mer because, well, I can.

Anyway, I have the internets at my fingertips so I'll update everyone on all the stupid shit we do this weekend.

Book Club anyone?

2009-06-11T13:13:00.001-07:00

Ooohhh...I just put Lauren Conrad (LC)'s new chick lit drama filled "novel" on hold at the library. Of course there are like 9 other people in front of me who also want to read it but I can totally wait.

4th of July weekend

2009-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

Megan and I are planning an epic July 4th road trip weekend. So far our plans include Marine World, Skee ball at Scandia(!), Grandpa Foft's 90th birthday, thirfting in Reno, and uh, lots of drinking (I'm hoping my mom with be our designated driver). And I just realized I bet there'll be fireworks at some point which makes my heart swell with American Pride. fuck yeah!

next week

2009-06-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

just got invited to go go dance at a burlesque pajama party next week. i kind of can't wait.

bay to breakers is hella gay

2009-05-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend it's Bay to Breakers! Again.

Every year swarms of A holes run past my apartment, drunk, at 7 am and wake me from my inevitably hungover dreams.

This might be a good weekend to stay inside or leave town. I'll be doing the former, you are welcome to join me for a drink.

Sounds good...

2009-05-13T11:11:00.001-07:00

Last night after about eleventeen drinks thanks to Erik, Stacypants and I were rocking out at the Elbo room to some sweet jams. It was Artist appreciation night, and I got in because Stacy was on the list and well, drinking for free=drinking too much. Every time. The event was super rad...dj's from each of the regular club nights at the Elbo played short sets, there was tons of food catered from a taco truck parked outside, and Erik was manning the bar serving all kinds of delicious cocktails. All the different club nights were represented...the goths from Shutter, the stoners from reggee night, the, uh, funky guys from the funk night. Totally rad to watch them all party together.

Stacy and I warmed up by dancing to some soul music, then took a break during the Brazilian jams even though the music sounded really good (or i was sounding really drunk). But then...the funk guy took over and it was hella awesome. I was like DYING over the songs they were playing and commenting to Stacy how I might even consider going to their night. At one point I leaned over to her and was like...I wish the DJ would play that Paul Simon song, and started singing it. And then. He did! And of course we freaked out and after his set was like omg you are the best dj you just played this song from in my mind...and he was like...I'm not a dj I'm the sound guy!

Awesome.

Who wants to go to Mexico?

2009-05-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

When I get to work tomorrow I'm going to find the cheapest flight and hotel and if i can make it happen for less than $200 for a weekend I am going in June and you should come too.

I think at this point hotels should be paying us to stay there?

texts from last night...(well or whenever)

2009-05-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

Katie sent me this:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

So I decided to post a bunch of texts from my sent box in no particular order.

he just left now im drinking gatoraid. before he left he was like..."it was funny how you threw up last night"

no, but andrea wants to write about it for the Blaze

You should have spelled that wii

At shittiest bar i have ever been to. You would appreciate it.

Get Here Soon!

Be Here Now!

Bowling is not bed!

then i could call it Dressed to get Tittyfucked.

At this crappy bar and theres this ex pro skater who im pretty sure i had a threesome with but really dont remember. another drink and im gunna ask him.

Wearing new hold up stockings and i love then. they are seamed at the back and come all the way up to my area.

Totally have busted capillaries around my eyes from barfing last night. Like a model!

even though i barfed up those nachoslast night i totes want nachos for dinner

This flyer is for free beer til someone has to pee.

Dude i feel like a hammer is hitting my head with another hammer.

Pretenging to be you on the phone with the airlines. hilarious.

I do not remember this AT ALL.

2009-05-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

Email from tiny wifey:

Also, thought i'd tell you cause I was dying.... you know what you asked Eug's friends from France when you walked out of the bar?

Eug: Jess, this is Vassilli, Vass, this is Jess
Jess: Hi, nice to meet you (shake hands)
Vass: Hi, nice to meet you
Jess: How do you say Vagina in French?

New post on the Ladydate blog...

2009-05-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

http://ladydatesf.blogspot.com/

Bookmark us? It'll get better I swear.

Feeeeeeeelix!

2009-05-04T12:26:00.001-07:00

www.lolfelix.com is totally available.

Want to start with this one?

a confession

2009-05-04T11:51:00.001-07:00

I have four REALLY overdue library books (like, I checked them out at least a year ago). This makes me feel horrible for so many reason...I am depriving my fellow patrons of books! I am horribly procrastinating a ten minute walk! I didn't even particularly LIKE any of those books! I think I read a couple and kinda half started the other two, then somehow they ended up under my bed possibly in a fit of decluttering? I found 'em under there a few months ago and ever since have been trying to to get up the nerve to beg for the forgiveness of some nice librarian in the hopes he or she would drastically reduce my $108 in fines. Now it's been so long I'm just embarrassed and feel like a jackass.

However, SF Public library is offering amnesty for the next couple of weeks, so I can return the books, no questions asked, and start checking them out again. Time to get back to work on my never ending "to read" book list. To assuage my guilt I'm going to bring a cash donation with me and hope that'll redeem my shitty behavior.

Hey thanks library. I heart you now more than ever!

http://sfpl.org/fineamnesty/

are you calling me fat?

2009-04-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

My afternoon snack today (after many mind numbing hours of protocol revisions) was double stuff'd Oreos and a glass of milk. Because I'm like seven.

Anyway, these un-hydrogenated filling-ed Oreos were kinda gross. The filling was the consistency of toothpaste and the cookie was mushy. Those things used to be hella crunchy and the filling was delightfully solid (arguably gross, but the gross I grew up with).

Do you think I can still get TransFat filled oreos anywhere? Like in Mexico? Can someone check that out for me? KTHX.

OMG finally

2009-04-21T14:34:00.001-07:00

http://www.the-state.com/

Gentleladies recap a night out:

2009-04-06T13:35:00.001-07:00

JF: How are you holding up?

MF: A bit rough. Need to sleep more. Got to bed at 5am. Unfortunately, I got bored in your absence and made out with A’s roommate. Woops.

JF: Wait…the stoner?!

MF: Um…they were all stoners? The one that was dancing with us, with the dark hair. Wish I didn’t. Now I have his number and he expects me to call him.

JF: Headband guy?!

MF: Sadly, yes. If it makes you feel any better, he stopped wearing that after the iron man challenge was over. I’m going to assume it was for sporting purposes.

JF: No I made him take it off then I hid it behind the couch!

MF: Great. He’s a total retard. Is it wrong to never call him?

JF: You can call him ironically?

MF: Was so drunk, and making out w him ironically, that when he gave me the number, I actually asked when he wanted me to call and why.

JF :Also I am going to blog about that but won’t use your name and will change some details to protect your anonymity. Not changing the headband part, though.

MF: Rad. Thanks for making this more embarrassing ;) I fuck up one time…

JF: I fuck up all the time which is why I have a blog.

JF: He’s probably thanking his lucky stars or at least his ironic hipster accessories. I mean, now he’s going to think that headband is a pussy magnet..

MF: Well, he didn’t get any pussy. Just kissing on the front porch

MF: O.k. If you’re blogging now be sure to mention that the dude is way younger, weighs less than me, and didn’t seem to mind that i was laughing and shaking my head while he was trying to rub his face on my face

MF: Also, I then spat a lot on the way home and picked up a black bandana I found on the street. Drunk!

I should figure out how to live-blog this.

2009-04-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

Megan just invited me to this...

"Going away party for a coworker/friend who's going into the peace corp in Africa. In celebration/farewell to American excess, it's an Iron Man challenge wherein teams of 4 compete to see who can drink 30 beers, smoke 2 grams of weed, eat 1 large pizza, and assemble a 200 piece puzzle the fastest. Cash prize for the winner. I'm not participating, because I party better when I don't barf. I might help in an official capacity. It should be some kind of spectacle, anyway. Party doors open at 9pm, contest to commence at 10. Location is Steiner between Oak and Fell, so staggering distance. Let me know."

It's not even Friday...

2009-04-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

...and I have a case of the Mondays :(

Luckily, this lil guy on my desktop is cheering me right up!

breakfast of champs

2009-04-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Cold (Homemade) Pizza for breakfast today. Also, I took a vitamin.

Worst week ever.

2009-03-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

No really, I think I am going to list the reasons because seriously, last week was the worse ever. In no particular order:

1. I found out last week that my job is being “restructured.” Great.

I think I’ll be able to take something part time that I’d actually like to do vs. another full time position that would be loathful. However, this leaves me soon to be underemployed and seeking work as a shop girl/bartender/coat check/door girl/private dancer/babysitter/cook/etc in case you can think of any once a week or so gigs. No seriously I mean it this time! I am good at these things, I am reliable, and do you guys really want me to have to be a hooker?? LET ME BARTEND YOUR PARTY.

2. My wife (tiny) moved to LA.

Sure it’s sunny and she can wear gross flip flops all day but now who am I going to giggle with? The plus side is that Felix the cat will be shacking up with me which ought to help with…

3….breaking up with M.

I’ll get into it another time in case you haven’t already heard. Boys whatever. Kitteh’s to the rescue!

4. Only not the ones who trap themselves in my wall for three days...

...necessitating multiple visits from the SPCA, countless hours of worry, a couple sleepless nights (kept thinking I heard a crying kitten…heartbreaking!) and finally setting a big metal kitten trap in my bathroom. Finally caught the little jerk after a three day standoff.

5. I found grey hair for the first time and not just a little of it.

Crappity. I thought having brown hair was going to work out for a while but no way jose, I’m going back to blonde. Already have an appointment for later this week in fact.

Um, sorry for the super downer, but really this is all too much. Last night over mojitos Megan and I made a hilarious list of blog topics so with my free time I might try to be more amusing.

Fuck you hippies

2009-03-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

I typed in the first letter of the last post's title and this title auto-filled.

Fasionable Nails

2009-03-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

Creative Nail Design (CND) is now going to sell some limited ed. bottles of the colors they custom mixed for Fall 09 runway shows. Fucking brilliant. They used to publish the "recipes" and you'd have to buy the separate colors and make 'em yourself, but this is rad. The pre-mixed polishes will sell for $18, so not cheap, but I already ordered the colors to make the color from last season's Philip Lim show (bright orang-ey pink) so I'll let you know how it goes...

http://www.goindulge.com/home.php?cat=290

The website doesn't have all the colors up yet, so I'll update when they do. Designers whose colors are offered include: Karen Walker (a dirty grey-ish blue), Ruffian (dark purple, shown on the runway as a reverse manicure), Diesel (opaque dark brown), Catherine Malandrino(some kind of nude), and DKNY (deep berry-ish purple). The others remain a mistery at least til I have the time to do more internets searcin' for 'em.

nobody likes eye wrinkles.

2009-02-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

I randomly bought some high-end looking sunglasses at one of the rich-lady thrift stores in Russian Hill over the weekend. The glasses were priced at $24, which is too much to pay for glasses at the thrift store (and I am hella cheap when it comes to thrifting) but something about them just seemed...nice. The color and weight of the frames, the shape...plus the lenses manage to filter the sun in a way the prevents squinting but doesn't darken your field of view.

Turns out the pair I am wearing today are these, selling for $85 on ebay:

I also got this pair, also selling for $85:

The store had three other pairs I didn't get because really, $24 is too much to pay for thrift store sunglasses. But now that I think I should go back an buy them all so I'll be set for life with sunglasses. One pair was pretty cool like weird goggles but super retro moddish, but the shop wanted $50 for them! ugh. But I have a feeling I'd better do my research on those because maybe they are some cray cray brand and could turn out to be one of those amazing thrift store finds of a lifetime.

This weekend text

2009-02-10T11:41:00.001-08:00

J: Ugh, just started raining, now going to ruin my shoes.

M: You know what won't ruin your shoes? My bed.

nice.

on poo and kittens

2009-02-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

JF: I am going to start signing my name like this…fÔft

KK: um, okay. You've got a lot of time on your hands.

JF: yup.

KK: I'm spending my time making a powerpoint presentation about my self. read about what I have to do:
…a 5-10 min presentation on your educational background and how that fits into the typical US PhD

JF: can you do it funny? like at all...?

KK: I don't know!! Its going to be a bunch of euros and I'm not sure they will get my humor? Like if I'm all "I got into graduate school cause I wore a really low cut shirt to the interview??"

JF: maybe sneak in funny science jokes? or cartoons? or pictures of kittens doing science experiments?

KK: please find me pictures of kittens doing science experiments.

JF: surprisingly this is a challenge...i've searched:

kitten in lab coats

kitten doctor

kitten scientist

kitten laboratory

kitten medical

and so far this is the best picture I can find. It's unrelated, though. still lols.

KK: ah shit. I just almost peed my pants.

JF: yeah it's so cute because the lil guy just looks so...sad...about it :(

JF: ok now I just found a website of mutant kittens and had to look. so sad now! going to read I can haz cheeseburgers now kthxbai!

KK: Yeah, I was afraid I was going to find photos of kittens that had experiments done ON them. Peta shit and what not.

KK: BTW, why doesn't my dog have a lab coat? I've got to get on that...

JF: omg dr jack! or Murse jack?

KK: my dogs a gay, so he would obviously be a murse.

JF: you can get him a lil fanny pack with supplies in there? and scrubs with other dogs on them?

KK: And he can wear the lil foot booties so he stops tracking mud into the house. and he'll wear a stethoscope.

KK: Jack got poop on my coat last night. I sat down on the couch and he hopped on my lap, and then when he moved there was poo on my coat. I had to bathe him and then I shaved his butt hair with E's clippers. Don't tell him.

JF: oh your secret is safe with me. just one more thing for you and i to crack up about when E does something and he has no idea what's happening. we leave him befuddled.

KK: please submit to Foggy monocle. I need reinforcement that we are funny

JF: we maybe need to make it sluttier than that? or more about drugs? like how last night M and I drank manhattans with liquid codeine floats and I woke up next to him naked but we didn't have the sex. (true story)

EDIT FROM KG:

It might be funny if the convo ended with:

JF: well, you shaved your dog's butt with your husband's clippers. My night was about codine floats on my manhattans and waking up naked but unsexed next to M.

KK: How are even still BFF?

JF: Cause you still love the condeine float?

KK: Its the truth.

Or, on another note, we could mention that those are the clippers that E uses to clip his balls (for reals).

defined

2009-02-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

today on sfist:

A hipster is somebody you don't like who goes to the same places you do.

nice.

In no particular order...

2009-02-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I:

Went to a bar wearing yoga pants and 3.5 inch eelskin heels
Met Marlena (of Marlena’s)
Drank a scotch flight
Drank a mini chartreuse flight
Ate crab
Talked to my brother on the phone for a half hour
Painted my nails light grey
Made ‘stay in, eat pizza, watch a movie’ date for tonight
Knocked over and broke a bell jar and cut my ankle
Floated liquid codeine into a manhattan

things stay the same but get better...

2009-02-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

I just sent this text to RCaley:

Listening to TILT at work, wearing chucks. Been going on dates with a boy who has a Jonathan Fireeater tattoo. I am living 15 year old me's idea of adulthood.

Once again, raise your hands if you HAVEN'T seen my tits.

2009-02-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hopefully someday I'll get to text a special someone "You can cross 'bang a lingerie model' off your list."

Unfortunately, it won't be this month because I just turned down what sounded like an awesome invitation to be a live model at Lille boutique's "Treat Yourself Right" event on the 13th. I have other obligations that weekend and it's kind of short notice but I think the Dr might be offering up her sweet titties for a good cause.

Even though I won't be there, maybe still check out the blog because it's really one of my favorite shops (lingerie or otherwise). The selection is impeccable and the shopgirls (Sarah and Sara) are super friendly, helpful, and knowledgeable.

http://www.lifeinlingerie.com/

Zoya nail polish exchange

2009-01-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Zoya is having a great promotion where you can send in your old nail polishes (any color, brand, doesn't matter if they are used or even empty!) and exchange them for new polish of your choice. This is really great because this brand is free of Toluene and Formaldehyde. Basically you can exchange your old crappy, chemical laden ones for newer, more environmentally friendly colors.

You do have to pay shipping to send the old ones to them, and it's $3 per bottle for the shipping and handling, but Zoya is usually $8 a bottle, so that's a great deal.

I don't have too many superfluous bottle of poilsh around because I tend to give them away to friends if the color doesn't suit me, but I am sending a few in. If you girls have any polishes lying around that you don't want, get them to me in the next few weeks and I'll mail them in with mine and give you the new ones in return. I'll work on posting some of my favorite colors/recommendations soon...

The link:

http://www.zoya.com/exchange/

I date so you can laugh about it later, part 2

2009-01-15T10:31:00.001-08:00

Per my earlier post, my friend Erin met some dude at a bar last weekend and wants to set me up with him. After checking out his myspace profile, I have to be like WTF. She met this dude at a bar and though immediately of me and that we would hit it off?!?

Obvs I can’t link to his myspace page to illustrate this point (because that would just be cruel), but Katie helpfully summarized why no one who knows me would ever try to set me up with this dude. Enjoy!

1. Who the fuck actually uses a myspace layout editor? 12 year old girls, that's who.

2. He is going to City College. Is that the same thing as New College? It better not be.

3. His music list is long and in alphabetical order. This means that he copied every artist that appears on I-pod. So this isn’t a random sampling of his music, this is it. And that’s not a good thing.

4. He smokes.

5. All of his photos are with the same girl. Not single much?

6. He's 28. That's kinda young.

7. He wears dickies and a beanie. What are we in 1996??

8. From reading his friends comments, it appears his nickname is “PeeWee”. Is that in reference to him being tiny? His arrests for pulling the pud in a movie theater? Does he have a word of the day? A talking chair? I can’t think of a good reason why somebody would have that nickname.

9. He’s a member of myspace group called “O.I.C”. When you click to look at what it is, Myspace tells you “This group may contain materials of a mature subject matter. It is inappropriate for members under the age of 18. Do you want to proceed?”. I of course, clicked no because I don’t even want to know.

10. He’s a warehouse manager. Does that mean he’s as cool as the warehouse manager on “The Office”? If so, marry him now.
11. He likes the show “Lost”. Does he also like to light a Yankee candle, eat a carton of chunky monkey in the bath and gently cry himself to sleep?

12. He mentions in his myspace that he likes the pot. Who mentions that in a myspace profile??

13. His first interest is “Driving”. Like…to the store? I don’t get it.

14. He has a myspace music player (cause he just needs you to listen to music while you read about him) and one of the songs on it is by Interpol. Um, derivative much? How can one like Interpol that much, but not even list Joy Division on that huge list of music?

15. Who the hell downloads a Myspace music player anyways? See comment 1.

16. He wants to meet good people. Wow, how interesting. I mean, most of us love to just meet total assholes and then surround ourselves in them.

17. It’s hard to tell from his pictures, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s a Ginger. And you know how I feel about that.

18. I have real work to do. I can’t look at this douche anymore. I’m starting to hate myself almost as much as I hate him.

From now on whenever anyone wants to ask me out i am just going to give them Katie's contact info.

God I'm pale.

2009-01-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

I was all freaked out because Katie emailed me that people on the internet could see my cooter on Facebook. But it's really not that bad.

I date so you can laugh about it later.

2009-01-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

My friend Erin emailed asking me if she can set me up with some dude who is probably from the marina and won't get it. But I might take her up on it because blind dates are the stuff of blogs.

Also, she is getting married this year and is on a "bride diet", despite having the cutest figure so we are going to hot yoga together later this week and maybe dance class.

That's my morning update.

j

2009-01-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

Stacy is bringing me this She-Bible pantsuit and I am really excited about it. It looks good on everyone and I am going to wear it with super high heels and then they're pants so I can get all drunk and fall over while dancing and no one will see my cooter! Well, til later anyway.

i can haz...

2008-11-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

So this year instead of playing the white elephant game (ugh i HATE that game) we are doing secret santa at the neuro-epi office. Here's my list:

5 things I like:
1) Kittens and/or
2) Puppies
3) Booze
4) Science!
5) Cooking/Baking

I actually deleted "boys" from the list, but left booze on there. Hey, if the right person picks my name I might get a six pack of beer or something? I though the odds of recieving a boyfriend from my work secret santa were slim to none.

Six of one/half dozen of the other...

2008-11-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

The other night i was at some event cuz it was supposed to be open bar (but was NOT) and ended up dancing/drinking/hanging out with some friends I haven’t seen in a while. One of them gave me a flyer for an event he was djing, a big all night party that I feel too old to attend. Dudes, I looked at the flyer and was like…oh He’s djing? And so’s HE? And realized there would be at least three dudes at that party who have at lease seen me naked (I haven’t, you know, banged all of ‘em, but still). I can hypothesize on at least two, and maybe three other guys who might be there and round the number up to six. Which would be hilarious.

If I go, and if that happens, I will be running my first ever d-cupcake contest to see who can name ‘em all or at least describe them by how we met/where they’re from/why I never slept with them again. The prize would probably be my prank calling one or more of them to see which one I can get to come over first or at least buy me drinks.

pussy cart.

2008-10-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

KK: What's up with BK?

JF: i have to email and remind him he's got to kick whatever lame girls he's got hanging around out of his bed for a week while i'm in town. i can maybe mention that he should also not leave condom wrappers from said girls on the floor where i can see them...but i maybe don't care that much because i am a ho.

KK: I'm glad to hear that you'll still be banging BK. Doesn't he have family to visit for Thanksgiving?

JF: i dunno. i should text him and remind him the pussy shop's in town.

KK: omg. the pussy cart. hahahahaha

JF: the pussy trunk show? wait that implies my pussy is big and spacious like a trunk and it is not! exclusive pussy collection? pussy gift with purchase?

KK: I'm into the idea of the pussy cart, like how downtown there is collection of food carts. portland is really big into the food cart scene. I saw one yesterday that just served waffles and ice cream. Yours would just serve pussy. and handjobs on the side...

JF: it would be more like the bacon wrapped hot dog carts in the mission...open late night/for hipsters.

bloggin in my sleep.

2008-10-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I took half a valium with my pm glass of jug wine because I couldn’t sleep (which was totally my fault because I spent the entire day in pj’s/wrapped in a blanket alternately napping/playing with teh kittens) and woke up from a nightmare thinking I HAD to blog about it. But I think the dream/nightmare was just that there was a hole in my bathroom wall so I couldn’t use it. Then I woke up really having to pee (thanks jug wine) so that explains it I guess.

Said kittens are available for cute time whenever you want to stop by. They love you.

2008-09-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Today's NY Times Style section has an article about goth fashion:

"Done badly, Gothic makeup can look painfully stupid. After spending money on a decent base, take the trouble to apply it evenly. It’s appalling how many Goths overlook something so basic and vital to their entire aesthetic. Equally bad and unfortunately just as frequent is the tendency to overpowder and the tendency to end one’s pallor at the jawbone. I can understand someone having difficulty with liquid eyeliner, but some mistakes are just inexcusably stupid. Don’t make them.”

HAHAHAHAHA.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/18/fashion/18GOTH.html?_r=1&ref=fashion&oref=slogin

Fuck you hippies

2008-08-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

Best weekend in SF every year is Burning Man weekend. All the hippies and burners are having gross sex with each other in the dessert leaving us blissfully void of their presence. It's like all the places we want to go in this city will be 20% awesomer this weekend. Thanks hippies now get the fuck out so I can enjoy the lack of you.

Crap knickers are not worth my time.

2008-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Shopping for cheap shit makes me cranky. It’s really hard to find stuff you like, and I’m not always in the mood to sift through lots of filler and tacky stuff (except for when it comes to thrift shopping for shoes and/or lingerie).Yesterday after work I had to go shopping for a cheap black bra to turn into a costume. This is my story.

I first went to Fredrick's of Hollywood because one of the girls in my burlesque class told me you can get not horrible really cheap stuff there and there’s one in the mall downtown (Who knew?? Not me). I checked it out and it was awful as predicted. Cheap cheap looking, ill fitting shit and the bras were still like $35 (is that cheap?). I tried on a couple and they did. not. fit. The sales girl kept coming over to the dressing room to insist they fit. I was like...it's too tight and is giving me armpit fat...and she was like right, but your boobs look great. And sure, the cleavage part looked fine but the rest of it was awful. I asked for the 38 D (34D – my size-no way, 36C still too tight) and she was like, "…that will be WAY too big" and didn't get it for me. So, yeah. I left. Ugh.

Next I stopped by Victoria’s Secret which I honestly haven’t been into since high school. Based on the catalogue that comes in the mail seemingly once a week (ugh again) I was expecting it to be super horrible and tacky. But…it wasn’t that bad. The store was clean, well staffed, and not over merchandised. They had their basic bras in a bunch of colors (almost all padded/molded “tee shirt” bras. God I hate those…my breast are *already* breast shaped, thanks) and some more fashion forward lines that were knock offs of Agent Provocateur and La Perla. At first I was really excited about this great dark blue corset/high waisted knicker/bra set with hot pink lacing/details that was actually really sexytime and fun and only $40 a piece. The color combination was great, and I was thinking it would look good on stage AND on my floor (key considerations for lingerie). But the fit. My god, the fit was so bad. The set did nothing for my figure. Like, didn’t hold up my tits, flatter my ass, or give me an hourglass figure (and that doesn’t take much because my waist is much smaller than my hips). I’ve probably just been spoiled lately thanks to Jen and the ladies at AP, but I am used to my lingerie helping me out and making shit work. Not so much at VS. Plus their basic black bras were like $40 for the cheapest and they weren’t any better than the Fredrick’s crap. No dice again.

This story is going on an on so sorry. I ended up at Gap body and bought a bra on sale for $13. Boring, basic, and I will never wear it again. Well, because it’s covered in tassels now and that's too much stuff getting in the way of my tits.

i don't remember any of this.

2008-08-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

I found this half-written message in my oft forgotten "Drafts" folder with the subject - "Life + Style = Us". It's dated 01/15/2005. I think we met this dude at an art show? I maybe made up a different name while I was talking to him? I dunno.

Yo Buck.

Thanks again for the wine and the art narrative. Brook and I had a lovely time debating paper cut outs and elephants for the rest of the evening.

Jungle Fever

2008-08-13T16:09:00.001-07:00

Dudes, I've been practicing so hard for this and haven't been out in soooo long...but here's the update:

Obvs you know you can see my tits/made up awesome dance moves anytime you want for free...still...come see me dance with the Burlesqueteers and make my solo debut with a hopefully hilarious AND sexy Jungle themed routine. The show at Stagewerx should be a riot.

Let's lure some boys with the promise of titties, then make them buy us drinks?

http://www.bombshellbetty.net/shows.html

See you there.

Knickers forever...

2008-08-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a nice ass long vacay, and plan to get a-bloggin again soon. Bu this couldn't wait...it's just come to my attention that Agent Provocateur is having 50% off sale online (not sure if it's in the store, too) so all you ladies should treat yourself to something nice. I'm probably going to get the Gangsta in Red and the Talma set.

The Talma seems really nautical to me, and will go perfectly with the vintage anchor necklace Katie gave me while I was in Portland.

http://www.agentprovocateur.com/sale.html

Last night

2008-07-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

My coworker email to ask what I did last night and I wrote back:

Birthday party at the Casanova, had martinis, champagne & birthday cake for dinner. Hung out at Dolores park til late drinking rum like a pirate. Crashed a weird house party/rave then went to the lone palm and talked about science til it was time to ride my bike home. You know, the ushe.

Oh, summertime.

text games to play

2008-07-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

So I'm deleting these text from my phone (sent box). But they are really good, and I want to preserve them. I was playing one of my favorite games called 'what are you wearing?' that I play with myself all the time and sometimes with dudes. (I am typically more into it, but most dudes are boring dressers anyway).

"Heading Home. tight vintage dress, black sheer AP bra, knickers, heels (obvs), lipgloss, hotel costes body oil. sweet dreams, etc. j"

"High Waisted vintage pink sheer knickers, thin grey tee shirt, wet hair, smelling like vetiver, velvet, and talc. sweet dreams, j"

so there. now these sexytime texts are for my ladies who can motherfucking appreciate it.

Crazypants stalkerpants

2008-07-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

I’m open to pretty much any suggestions at this point. Crazystalkerpants girl has been calling 4 times a day, and stopping by my apartment just to, you know, call me a slut or a whore (sometimes skank or ho). The police haven't done anything about it yet, and I just don't know what to do...I keep trying to remind myself that’s she’s a.) crazy, and b.) probably doing this to like ten other people, and c.) dudes it’s like I’m a celebrity!, but really, this is just annoying. Anyone know how to set up a surveillance camera in my building lobby and/or want to volunteer for a stakeout with me? Ugh.

last week...

2008-06-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

...i went to a party with a dude (at his house), and i ended up chatting with his hilarious roommate (girl) for too long and he actually got all pouty and went to his room! me and the roommate were like...what a baby! after hanging out with her for like an hour and polishing off a bottle of champs, i had to do a secret knock for him to let me in and we watched the simpsons in his loft bed. i declined his invite to stay over. his roomate is awesome, though and we've totally been texting. ladies rule.

want.

2008-06-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Here it goes again... I have these pumps in black and red eel skin (well, AND blue eel skin but those are open toed) and this fall they're coming out in...pink. Maybe I'm just feeling all retarded from watching the Sex and the City movie this weekend with my mom, but DAMN. I want more stilettos in my life. Well, at least these ones.

Oh, also, Sergio Rossi website has 40% off all spring/summer '08 styles, including those paint-drip heels that were all over everywhere

Comments/New posts

2008-06-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've enabled comments so you won't have to log in to leave them. I'll keep it this way unless crazypants stalker finds me here and/or creepy dudes leave too many weird messages.

Also, let me know if you want to be emailed whem I post a new blog. I'm not promising it'll be good...just that I'll let you know it's there.

Second date = second base (stealing third)

2008-06-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

So I went on a second date with A last week. First date was drinks, an awesome movie, then more drinks. It went really well and we said we'd get together again soon. And then…

I was home baking strawberry rhubarb pies when A called and offered to host an evening including his big screen tv, impressive movie collection, and, uh, bed. Obvs I LOVE watching tv, and in combination with a dude to mack on I was so there. After my pies came out of the oven, I put on a slut outfit (clothing appropriate for the nighttime AND work the next day), got too lazy to walk and called a cab. (which took like 45 minutes and I was really annoyed by then but whatever.) He lives really close to me so I got there in no time. We made small talk and decided to watch fairly obscure David Cronenberg film.

Anyway, we were cuddled up a bit, mocking the shitty dialogue and amazing mullet on the main character and it didn't take long before dude was getting all gropy and he kept leaning over to kiss me. I didn't really mind too much, since that's what I was there for and typically, I like dudes who make the moves on me. So we progressed from kissing/cuddling, to him playing with my tits (awesome) and my dress was on the floor/his shirt was off. At some point he said to me …"turn around I want to spank you," and I was like OK, because I always think a little kink is fun and who doesn't like getting spanked? Kinky boys always make me giggly/horny so I was pretty stoked. I'm thinking, way to keep it fun and interesting dude.

So I turn around, he slaps my ass a couple times playfully, and I was waiting for him to make the next move (either break into laughter, or, like take it to whatever next level that stuff goes to) and all of a sudden I hear him ripping open a condom and he says, "I really want to slide into you, you're so hot." Which was a bit abrupt to go from jokingly rolling around the bed to full on hitting it from behind THE FIRST TIME WE (were maybe going to) HAVE SEX. I mean, I hadn't given him an indication I was for sure going to fuck him yet, so I thought he was being a bit presumptuous.

Having been in plenty of casual sex situations before, I was thinking that this could go either way. Fucking him right now, with minimal foreplay and letting him take complete control might be really hot. But the more I thought about it, I was not totally wanting to bone down. I assume he could sense my hesitation because he asked me, "is this ok?," and I took that opportunity to be like, uh, no. Really, I felt like it was an awkward transition and that he was either a) nervous/inexperienced or b) a jerk. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I was like fuck it (heh) and went back to the make out cuz, you know, boners are fun to be around and I wasn’t, like going to leave.

I ended up giving him a quick bj, then the night was pretty much over after he hopped out of bed to do a few “bong rips” and then didn’t go down on me. And I never called him again.

Anyway, I kind of last track of this story. I need an editor.

Hanging on the telephone

2008-05-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I’m sure most of you reading this had already seen my pouty face and heard all about it, but hey that’s what this blog is for...so I can rehash my own shit to, uh, myself, and you can imbibe at your leisure. Please leave me comments kthxbai!

I was recently dumped by non-communication. Un-communication? Dis-communication? Whatever is the opposite of contact. Mind you, this had only been like a month and a half of fairly steady sex with some dinner/drink/movie shit thrown in for kicks. So no big romance or anything but I did kind of like this one. And then one morning, no witty email, hilarious texts, and as the days went on, no phone call with a breathless explanation for the assholery of not calling me on my birthday. I just Never Heard From Him Again. What gives? I am so not asking for much...a phone call, email,text message, hell a myspace comment is really all it takes for dude to drag me (willingly) into bed. Are men getting so much pussy thrown at them that they can afford to turn it away without even a quick “…oh sorry, it’s not me it’s you” to ensure they can crawl back between the sheets for future bonedowns? With this one I feel like I set the "get into my pants" bar at retard olympic** height and homeboy couldn't even make the crippled leap to reach my tits. (Metaphorically speaking, because of course he was all OVER those shits)

The worst thing is...I still really want to sleep with him of course. The sex was fantastic. Kind of adventurous, with a little kink and a tremendous amount of chemistry. To fuck him again would basically reward his crap-tastic behavior with pussy. So I’m pretty decided against it. Um…til I’m drunk. At least I can blog about it? And, uh, get laid which I haven’t in almost three weeks and I feel like a chaste slut.

**retard olympics is an awesome blog you should check out btw.

That magic moment...

2008-05-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

...No, not the one where you first realize you’re going to eff some dude.That's a magic moment, but not the one I'm talking about right now. What I mean is when you are making out with some dude, you, like, KNOW you're gunna fuck him…and not because you're drunk, or because you're horny and he'll do…but because you know he's a good kisser and you can TELL he's good with his hands and you're pretty sure he's going to give some sweet ass head so you're already going to look forward to this...but then you cop a feel, covertly glance at his bathing suit area, or get bonerspooned while he's reaching around to grab a tit or two...and it's like...fuck this guy is HUNG. Then you just know an indulgent night is ahead of you.

Part of it is that given more ween to work with, you can def get in some deeper spots in missionary position if you're feeling lazy and/or uncreative. But you can also experiment with some other crazy/awesome positions that an extra inch or two make possible. Some dicks just have more options**.

I'm assuming no dudes are even reading this and needing reassurance and I'm sure my ladies will second that size isn't the most important factor. But all things being equal it sure is nice if that sweet head giving, sort of kinky, breathtaking kisser happens to have some high quality junk to bang with. You feel me?

**Exempting those ridic giant dicks that are literally like a baby's arm. Those things effing HURT and I feel kind of bad for dudes packing that kind of heat. Yikes.